


Avalanche Is Above, Business Continues Below

by MoonGoddex



Category: Thor (Comics), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Collars, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Frottage, Holidays, Human AU, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Mentally Ill Character, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Oral Sex, Recovery, References to Addiction, References to Historical Abuse, Sibling Incest, Thor (Marvel) is Not Stupid, Transatlantic Mishmash Setting, Ugly Holiday Sweaters, Yule, muffing, nonbinary Loki, sex therapist au, thor in glasses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2020-05-18 21:53:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 40,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19343401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonGoddex/pseuds/MoonGoddex
Summary: Everything comes crashing down on Loki's life, and they're left with only one person to turn to for help. Someone they really hoped they could get away with not seeing for as long as possible.And then they find out what he does for a living, which makes everything so much worse.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note on the 'Transatlantic Mishmash Setting' tag: this has elements of European cultures and norms, blended with some distinctly American-centric tropes and behaviours. Don't think too hard about it!
> 
> Blanket disclaimer:  
> I don't necessarily condone the actions of the characters within this fic. They may do illegal, immoral, dangerous, or simply ill-advised things. My fic is not instructional, and the responsibility is on you to do your own research, and come to your own conclusions on whether the things depicted are acceptable IRL or not.  
> Additionally, I try to list as many potentially squicky or triggering things as I can think of in either the tags or the notes, but I can't catch everything. If something within upsets you significantly, please close the tab. Look after yourself first and foremost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see Thor's house in this, please see [this chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19343401/chapters/52279171) for floorplans!

Exhaustion weighed heavy on Loki's shoulders, much like the borrowed hiking backpack containing about 35% of the items they hadn't already pawned off in a last-ditch fit of desperation. The other 65% were in boxes in the back of the car that wouldn't be theirs for much longer.

They didn't much feel like carrying everything in. So they rang the doorbell to their brother's ridiculously big detached house, looking down at their shoes so they didn't have to make eye contact when he answered with an excited sounding, "Loki! Come in, get yourself settled!"

They glanced up just enough to see Thor's arms extended, potentially for a hug, which was pointedly ignored.  
"Uh. I can't quite yet. I've got a bunch of heavy stuff in the car and I gotta take it across town for around six. I'll get the bus back, I just need it cleared out for now. If you could help me carry my boxes in I'd really appreciate it."

"Don't worry, I'll drive you back. Come on, let's clear it out. Or. I mean - I can cover your bills, if you need? You don't need to sell it if you don't want to. Unless you've finalised the paperwork with them already?"

"I've not, but I'd rather just get the money now and not have to rely on you."

"I'm not going to chase you up to pay me back, Loki, and you don't have to pay anything while you're living here. You can message them and cancel." Thor stepped forward, and placed his hands on Loki's shoulders, and they had to force themself not to tense up in response. "Let me help you. You never do, and I can, and I want to. It's not weakness to admit you're in a shit situation, especially when none of it was your fault."

Loki sighed deeply.  
"You're not gonna let me in the door 'til I let you help, are you?"

"It's entirely your decision, Loki, I won't pressure you one way or-"

"You will."

They looked up and caught him smiling slightly, almost like he was amused.  
"This is your way of accepting help without saying you will, isn't it? Acting like I'm pushing you into something you don't want?"

It took all of Loki's will not to punch Thor in the face. That really would mean sleeping on the streets.  
Sucking air into his lungs, he firmly, calmly, asked, "If I'm going to stay here, can I request you don't... Therapise me? I don't want or need it."

"Of course. I'll come help with your boxes. And it's totally up to you whether you go sell your car or not, but I'll still follow and drive you home if you do."

It was through gritted teeth that Loki thanked him.

\---

When Thor's spare room began to feel a little more like Loki's new room, they finally got comfortable collapsing back onto the absurdly and delightfully firm mattress that Thor cheerily told them he'd bought specially for Loki coming to stay. Because he couldn't have his only brother sleeping on a sub par mattress.  
They sighed, heavy and louder than they really meant to.

The plan was to crash on Thor's shitty old mattress (or couch, or floor, or hard cold doorstep) just long enough to find a new job, new apartment, and, maybe, a new boyfriend. Maybe even a girlfriend this time. It had been a while. Someone who was capable of halving rent with them, at least, they weren't terribly picky otherwise.  
But frankly, losing all those things over the course of a month? On top of and receiving a heavy fine for speeding because they tried to hunt down their boy when he decided to dump them via text because they _dared_ asked for help when they got their eviction notice?

("I'm not really ready for the kind of commitment that comes with allowing a boyfriend to stay at my house, Loki, I'm sorry. And, like, I get you're in a bad place financially, but that's part of it too, you know? I really need someone that has his life on track enough that losing his job isn't gonna fuck him over this bad. Plus, you've been extra strength crazy lately, and I don't like that you can't be normal without pills. Maybe call me if you wanna hook up if you get your shit together, but until then, I'm gonna have to block you.")  
('Boy' and 'his' and 'him' stung almost as much as the callous cutoff. They hadn't been driving to him to beg for reconciliation. They'd been driving to find this motherfucker and rip every last hair from his scalp in public, tell everyone within screaming distance what a piece of shit he was, leave him broken and crying and bleeding on the pavement for people to trample over.)  
(It was after the cops let them go with a heavy fine that they realised they had to call Thor for help. There wasn't anybody else who'd tolerate this level of crazy. Frankly, there wasn't anyone else as _qualified_ to deal with it.)

It was a miserable, discouraging situation. Realistically, they knew they should work towards getting back on their feet - if they wallowed in the misery of their misfortune it would swallow them like quicksand. They knew Thor's house had to be temporary accommodation, and his financial help should be kept as a time limited offer.  
But with a room this nice, a bed this un-lumpy, a frame that wasn't collapsed on one side, a desk that wasn't stabilised with empty ready-meal boxes, and a kitchen that regularly had fresh fruit and veg...

No.  
They sat up, rubbed their face up and down, and shook their head violently.  
If they stayed here too long, the bad shit would surface again.

They refused to make it weird. They were going to find literally anywhere to work that would give them regular hours, get a new place that didn't have seemingly infinite rats, and they were going to offer to buy the mattress off him. Then they were going to not speak to him again for another 8 months. Maybe even longer, if they could conveniently find other plans for the Winter holidays.

\---

It was like Thor's house itself was mocking them.

It wasn't so bad in their room. It had been left pretty plain, bland enough for guests, bare enough that Loki could put up a few bits of decoration of their own. And within those four walls, they could forget the sheer size of the rest of the place, and how daunting that was.

The lower floor was mostly open plan. The lounge portion of the living space alone was bigger than half the apartments they'd lived in. Everything was nicely decorated, colour matched - all the furniture was the same type of wood. There was an entire wall of window on one side, but because of all the plants growing around that side, and the decorative privacy film on the lower half that diffused the light, it never felt like their privacy was compromised.  
The kitchen had an island, which was irritating. They'd never had a kitchen big enough to fit an island inside before, never mind the money to afford one. Worse yet, there was a dining room big enough to entertain guests. Which meant Thor had enough friends to fill the space at some point.

The only part of the downstairs that wasn't big and spacious and interconnected was the hallway leading from the front door to both the waiting room and offices, where Thor saw his clients, and the downstairs bathroom. And that was clearly by design; keeping their privacy in mind the whole time.

Upstairs wasn't any better. Thor hardly needed a family bathroom, two functional bedrooms (Thor's with an en suite), and another that had been converted into a recreation room (which he laughed and joked was a 'man cave', but it hardly was - there was a fucking reading nook and a small library in it, with a mixture of old novels and thick psychology textbooks. Man caves were full of... Well. Loki didn't really know. Beer? Mess? Sports memorabilia? Nerd shit? What did Thor even _like_ any more?), but... there they were.

They didn't bother to ask about the place. They didn't remember anything about him getting a place built specially, but even if he hadn't, that just meant he'd gotten ridiculously lucky in finding a place just _perfect_ for him, and his needs. It meant he'd gotten the kind of money that meant he could afford it. It meant his income was stable enough to get a mortgage on the place, and confidence in the prospect of being able to pay it off for the foreseeable future. It meant he had a steady stream of clients, and clients who paid well, so obviously he was good at what he did.  
No matter how he managed to get somewhere like this, knowing more would just make Loki resent him more.  
It was like looking into everything they could have had if their life just... sucked less. If they got the same opportunities. If they were loved as much.

The gulf between them felt deeper, and wider than ever.

\---

Thor liked to talk over breakfast. Always did growing up, and clearly he hadn't changed a bit in that respect ever since.

"You didn't sleep well," Thor stated, like that was an acceptable morning pleasantry.

"You look like shit too, thanks."

"You look fine, Loki. I just heard you up through the night. Do you need to talk?" His face was a picture of perfect concern, and Loki wondered if he'd practiced it. There was no way he was that good of an actor when they were kids.

"Do I need to pay you for therapy? 'cause I'm not sure if you've noticed but I am pretty broke right now."

The smile that came after that disconcerted Loki. It wasn't that funny a joke.  
"I'm not really that kind of therapist. But no. I'm not asking for money, or planning on treating you like a client. I just want to listen, as your brother."

"Okay. Well. My life sucks right now, and I'm sad about it. Plus, I guess I'm having medication withdrawals because I ran out completely 8 days ago and can't get a refill without a review, and I couldn't get to the doctor because I couldn't get time off work, and when I lost my job I was too busy dealing with my landlord evicting me 'cause this is the third time I missed rent. Then I got a little distracted with my boyfriend unceremoniously dumping me. And now I'm with you, a two hour drive from the doctor that was going to review me, and I don't have two hour's worth of gas or enough money to fix that. Is that enough talking?"

Thor's brow furrowed.  
"Which meds, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Eh. Anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, mood stabilizers, and, uh..."  
They made a split second decision not to mention the hormones.  
"Yeah. Not doing too hot."

"Okay. Well, that's what we're gonna do first today, then. Once you're finished eating, get ready and we'll go get you registered with my doctor. He's a friend, and he's usually quiet enough to take same-day appointments."

"No, we won't. I can't. And I don't want to keep accepting your help."

"Hm. I mean, you can accept my help, or I can kick you out."

Loki put their spoon down slowly.  
"...are you serious, or are you trying to manipulate me into agreeing to let you look after me?"

"Manipulating you, honestly. Was I that bad at it?"  
The innocent smile on Thor's face was the most punchable sight they'd possibly ever seen.

"No, it nearly worked for a second. I'm almost proud of you."

"Learnt from the best, didn't I?" He took off his glasses and cleaned them on his shirt, trying to look nonchalant and attempting to hide his ever-growing grin.

Loki found themself smiling despite everything because Thor's amusement was so infectious, even when it was at Loki's own expense.  
It was infuriating.

\---

The doctor was painfully sweet. Loki found themself wanting to scream and kick things over and get forcibly removed from the premises.  
They didn't. They sat quietly and waited, and explained things as best they could when necessary, and said thank you, and got their prescription. They even promised to come back in two weeks for a check-in.

Which meant they had to stay with Thor for at least two weeks now.  
They didn't tell him that when they got in the car with their pharmacy bag full of a month's worth of pills.

"So it went okay?"

"Well, I got what I needed."

"He's a decent guy. You can go to him for anything. Don't worry, he's really serious about patient confidentiality, so I won't know anything you don't tell me. Not that I'd ask."

"Cool."

And that was it for the rest of the ride back. Thor let Loki crank up the music loud enough they didn't feel like they had to speak, and gave them space to retreat to their room afterwards, curl up in bed and scroll through the infinite abyss of the internet.

(They couldn't take their pills 'til 10pm. Any earlier, and they'd sleep through the day and be up all night. And that was one thing they were determined not to fuck up again; their sleeping pattern was sacred. When they let it slip back into nocturnal habits, when they stayed up for up to 29 hours a stretch, when they slept for more than 10 hours straight, or when they took more than one nap a day, that was a horrible portal that let the bad stuff creep back. That was when 3am kicked them in the shins and stole their lunch money. That was when alcohol seemed really fucking appealing again. That was where the profiles of people that hurt them but still had happy, stable lives with friends and family and a clean bill of mental and physical health lit up like fucking fireworks, suddenly the most interesting pages on the entire world wide web. That was when days blended together and suddenly two months have gone by and they had nothing to show for it. That was when they -usually- got fired.)  
(Except, they already got fired, and they'd only taken 4 mental health days in the three months they'd been working there. But their boss found out their diagnosis and their sexuality and their gender identity in one horrible lapse in judgement, letting some fucking snitch from the office add them online because they seemed nice enough. Nope. Incorrect. After that, after the whole office started whispering about them behind their back, it was really only a matter of time. If they'd been in a better place, they might have started applying elsewhere sooner, but they didn't think the reckoning would crack down that quickly and without warning.)  
(But that's life for someone with a resume which can only boast half a year as the longest stretch of employment in one place since the age of 18.)

"I'm a fucking mess," they whispered to themself, and tucked their phone under their pillow. The ceiling was incredibly interesting all of a sudden and needed a good long examination.

\---

Thor had clients pop in and out for the rest of the day. That was fine with Loki. They used the doorbell as an approximate measure of time. He seemed to take roughly 50 minutes with them, then the door would open and close to the sound of thankful and emotionally healed people, then another 10 to 15 minutes would pass, and another chime would echo through the house, signalling someone new.

It actually kept them pretty grounded. They knew it was around 5pm despite having been engrossed in an array of low quality free-to-play games because four rounds of this routine had happened since lunch. So time wasn't completely getting away from them.

And when the last farewell of the day was over and done with, Thor called Loki down, asked if they wanted dinner.  
They did. They actually did. Not even out of 'I should probably eat so I don't die'.  
Helping Thor chop up carrots and potatoes was kind of soothing. They even felt compelled to make small talk.  
"So, you made four lives better today. Proud of yourself?"

Thor paused a moment. Looked up, thinking, and pushed his glasses up his nose.  
"Six, actually. Seven if I count getting you your meds. And frankly, I'm happiest about that."

"Wait, six? I only heard the doorbell-"

"I saw two couples. And two people alone." Thor put down his own knife, needlessly did the math on his fingers, showing his calculations to Loki with four fingers on one hand, two on the other.

"Oh. You do couples therapy? How's that work, when you've not seen anyone in four years?" They bit their tongue, but it had already left their mouth. Maybe they shouldn't know exactly when Thor's last semi-serious relationship had ended, since they only found out about it through stalking him online, and maybe they shouldn't be making cruel comments about it, but, well. It was done.

"Mmm, sort of." Thor simply shrugged, not seeming even a little upset by what Loki had said. "But just because I haven't seen people doesn't mean I haven't _seen_ people, y'know? Besides; that's a choice."

"Oh, okay, I don't much want to hear details about my brother's sex life actually. Forget about it." They cut the carrots far more aggressively than they had a moment ago.

"That wasn't details, but okay, cool to know you still have major hang-ups about people who aren't you having sex."

"It's not people in general, it's my family. I think that's an understandable squick, y'know?" The carrots were already cut fine enough, but they were getting reduced to atoms now, apparently.

Thor had the audacity to sigh at them. "It's normal, Loki. I won't push it today, but it is."

"I get it's normal! I get that! I just had to deal with mother being a fucking sex therapist growing up and, honestly, I don't know how that didn't put -you- off studying therapy at -all--"

"Loki."

"What?"

"I'm a sex therapist. I think what Frigga did was admirable, and her writing on the subject is fascinating. She never talks about her own sex life, you know, it's all in concepts and anonymised case studies--"

Loki's knife clattered to the countertop and they left the room without a word, with their hands in the air in apparent defeat.  
Thor sighed and finished cooking, and left a plate outside Loki's locked door.  
It was finished and left outside when he came back upstairs later that night.

\---

The next day was tense. Loki didn't even look at him as they made breakfast.  
Correction: Loki was tense. Thor remained calm, and smiled kindly at them despite their behaviour. Not that Loki saw, but they still heard it in his tone of voice.

"So are you now ignoring me just because I'm a sex therapist? Or did I do something else to upset you?"

"I don't care that you're a fucking diet dominatrix, that's your life." They practically threw the toast on the plate, hands shaking with anger, maybe, and dropped it in front of Thor, who began to eat despite Loki's obvious foul mood. "But mother at least had the decency to have an office away from home, she didn't shit where she slept, and that was still mortifying enough."

"Okay. Well you know I don't actually have any kind of sexual relationship with my clients, right? We just talk about _their_ sex lives and I try to help them have a healthier outlook-"

"Whatever!" they yelled, raising their hands to their ears. "I get it! You think I'm unhealthy because I don't want to talk to you about it! But you don't seem to get that I'm not the one with deeply entrenched sex problems for not wanting my family to know what I do with my dick!"

Thor quietly and slowly put his toast down and folded his hands on top of each other.  
"Loki. I'm sorry if what I said about healthy outlooks came across as accusatory, it wasn't my intention. I'm far, far less interested in whatever sexual issues you may have right now than I am in your general mental health and wellbeing. But I can't make my line of work just go away. All I can do is talk with you about it in the hope you'll be less uncomfortable with it by understanding it fully. How about I take you into my office and show you? It's very nice and not at all sex dungeony, if that's part of the problem."

"Mm. Didn't need to hear my brother talk about sex dungeons unprompted."

"You did call me a 'diet dominatrix' unprompted, so I think we're even there."

Loki silently conceded that point, and took an angry bite of their toast, electing to sit opposite Thor. Still not looking at him, but sitting with him regardless.  
"Okay. I'll look at your office. But if I see a single dildo I'm out."

"I'll keep that drawer closed, then."  
They looked up at him quickly, wide-eyed.  
"I'm not joking, but I really will keep them out of your line of sight."

\---

Thor was right. The office itself was pretty unassuming - just a lone leather chair opposite a soft couch that didn't look at all like the therapy chairs that always appeared on TV shows. The only thing that gave away the fact it was a sex therapy room was the tasteful abstract nude couple that hung on one wall. They weren't even doing anything. At least, maybe they weren't? It was pretty abstract.  
They quickly stopped looking at it, realising suddenly that maybe it wasn't actually a nude couple, maybe it was one of those Rorschach things and if they admitted they saw a nude couple they'd be classified as an unrepentant sex pest and recommended for castration immediately.

"This is where we do the talking portion of the session. I find people prefer to have a fairly comfortable neutral room, especially since a number of people that come are somewhat uncomfortable with the subject matter."

Loki nodded, and pointed to the door behind the couch.  
"And what's in there? Is that the red room?"

"No, the red room is in the basement, I'm afraid. I'll take you there when you've got fewer hang ups."  
Thor waited a beat, smirking at the glare he received.  
"Actually joking this time. It's my... working office, I guess? I don't know, I always just called both these rooms my office. Okay, from here on, this is the talking office, and through there's the working office."

"Glad I could help be your muse for such creative names."

"Yes, thank you. Now, come through."

He shepherded Loki through the door, to a room with a huge imposing desk, and significantly more art on the walls. Less abstract art.  
Loki swallowed thickly, and tried not to think about getting bent over and fucked on that desk because that's _exactly_ the kind of thing Thor would pick up on if they even spoke the wrong way, if he was anything like Frigga. So they kept silent and looked pointedly at the ceiling.

"I process payments in here, as well as do all my paperwork and writing. I also keep a selection of items to demonstrate to clients if appropriate. Hence, the dildo drawer. I won't tell you which one it is."

"Writing. You write?"  
It was a far safer subject to ask about than, 'what the fuck do you mean "demonstrate"?!'.

"I'm actually published in several academic journals, and have a book out distilling some of my theories and advice into a more easily digestible form. You know, so people who are too afraid to come to therapy, or who can't afford it, they can still benefit," Thor admitted, looking sheepishly down at his feet. And looking at him now, standing behind that desk, with that nice sweater vest that only accentuated how muscular he was, and those dumb glasses on that Loki knew only had a working lens in one eye because he was halfway blind in his right eye, and that perfectly groomed hair and beard - suddenly, it kind of made sense. Of course he wrote sex advice for people. He just _looked_ like the type.  
But he didn't look like the type to hide things, not even from Loki.

"...You never told me." It was hard to keep the hurt out their voice.

"You never asked. And I didn't want to seem like I was bragging when you've been struggling."

Loki huffed, and turned to leave.  
"Okay. Cool. I'm going to hide upstairs while you tell strangers how not to nut in under 30 seconds. Have fun."

\---

_> Thor: Hey. I know you're... Mad at me maybe, I guess? But I do still love you and care about you. I'm not sorry about my profession, though I do regret it causes you discomfort. If you want to talk about it, we can. We can even do it over text if that's better for you?_

Loki sighed deeply and burrowed their face in a pillow.  
But their phone kept beeping.

_> Thor: Or I can ask one of my friends to talk with you about this, or anything else you're going through that you need help with, if you're not comfortable talking to me._  
>Thor: I'll pay, of course.  
>Thor: I mean, assume everything I offer from now on I'll pay for. 

_> Loki: Thor, I know you mean well, but I absolutely cannot talk about sex stuff with you. I don't want any fuckin freudian bullshit analysis of my every last issue. And I'm not distressed because I'm a queer pervert or whatever, I'm struggling because I'm seriously mentally ill, so I'm not even your area of expertise._

_> Thor: Freud was a complete hack and if you think I think you're uncomfortable with Frigga's job because of some repressed oedipus complex or whatever then don't worry, that entire line of thinking is infuriating to me. And being queer or having kinks are definitely things you can talk about because they undoubtedly have some effect on your life and happiness, but I don't believe for a second that your mental illness is _caused _by them. Thankfully though, I did study general therapy before specialising, so I can still talk with you about all the other things if you need or want that. And I also remember how to listen without applying active listening skills, so if you want me to completely turn off therapy brain and just let you vent, I can do that too.  
>Thor: Alternatively, I have friends who have a long history of working with complex mental health needs. They are just a text away._

_> Loki: I don't think I can tell you everything._

_> Thor: That's okay. You're welcome to tell me as much or as little as you need to. I just ask you not to actively lie to me, more for your benefit than my own._

_> Loki: Then where the fuck do I even start?_

_> Thor: Well, to be unprofessionally unimpartial, your ex boyfriend sounds like a complete cunt. As your brother, do you want me to kick his fucking head in so it bursts like a watermelon getting dropped off a tall building?_

 

Loki got caught off guard, and descended into a peal of giggles.  
And despite their reservations, they found themself finally venting all the hurt and anger at being abandoned in their time of need.  
Until they got crying so hard they couldn't see the screen well enough to type, and went silent for five minutes.

That was when Thor silently came into their room and pulled them into a rib-crackingly tight hug, and didn't let go 'til Loki wheezed, "I can't breathe, I can't- let go."  
Even then, he just. Held them. Let them cry onto his shoulder.

\---

It got easier to talk after that.  
They didn't talk about it all in one go, and they certainly didn't talk about anything even vaguely bordering on sexual. Thor advised them on taking breaks, taking time to reflect on what they'd discussed, so sometimes they'd go a couple days in a row without having an in-depth chat. Instead, they'd curl up on opposite ends of the couch and watch some TV. One night, they got drunk and played cards together. Another, they went out and grabbed take-out, then went a walk around a nice park not far from Thor's home.

The meds were kicking back in. It was difficult to stay awake all day while they were getting used to them again. But they made the effort. Only took one nap a day, and in between clients, with the doorbell acting as their alarm.

But they ended up running out of feelings they felt they could talk about relating to their most current issues. How many other ways could they say 'fuck my ex and fuck my boss and fuck my brain' without talking about _why_ their brain had gotten to this stage, without delving into long-buried issues that kept clawing back to the surface like shitty, shitty zombies.

"So. I need to talk to you about some stuff and I'm kind of nervous about it because it's... not fun. And I think it's gonna sound like I'm blaming you for some shit."  
They figured they might as well be honest, even if it was in a blunt yet vague kind of way.

"Alright. Well, if I am to blame, I want to hear about it so I can make up for it." He was so calm these days. Loki felt a pang of heartache, missing the days when they could get a rise out of their brother.

"I don't know if you are. Like, I used to blame you. But now I'm older I guess you weren't the real problem, just... part of it, probably."

"This is pretty vague. Can you explain further?"

Loki took in a deep breath, and fixed their gaze on a knot in the wood of the kitchen table they were sat at.  
"I... I think part of my shit is that dad always... he liked you better. And you were always the golden child, always good at everything he wanted you to be good at. And whenever I did do something right it felt like, 'oh, alright, so you're finally nearly as good as Thor. Anyway, look at this new excellent thing he did! Now your goalposts are that much further ahead hahaha good luck catching up.'  
"And I guess at some point I just... stopped trying? Because my success was never recognised, even when I was... I was _good_ at a lot of things, y'know? And I was hurting myself trying to be even better, trying to make anything good enough for him. But then it got harder because he just got angrier and angrier with me. And Frigga knew it was depression, but Odin was all, 'ugh it's just teenage angst. Thor isn't this mopey! Be more like him! Follow his positive outlook!'  
"So. Frigga got me meds and I felt a little better but because he kept telling me I was just angsty and whiny I always thought I was faking it for attention. Even though it didn't work. And I don't know if you ever even noticed."

They saw Thor moving out the corner of their eye, and winced, thinking he was going to open the door and ask them to leave.  
But he didn't. He wrapped his arms around Loki, held them - not as tight as he had before, not so much it was painful, but enough that Loki felt a lump in their throat.  
(And this felt dangerous. Vulnerable. Even more than last time, because this wasn't about some dickhead they used to date - this was about Thor. And Thor was holding them. And they didn't want to think about how much they'd miss this if he ever found out about all the other parts of Thor's existence that contributed to their self loathing.)

"I'm so sorry, Loki. I knew you had a hard time when we were younger, but I didn't realise how much of it was because of me. Or him. I should have been there for you more."

"It's fine," they began to brush off, knee-jerk reaction, not knowing how to really accept hearing what they'd wanted to hear since they were 9 years old.

"It's not fine, Loki." He pulled back, just enough to rest his forehead against theirs, and lay his hands on their shoulders. "It's not. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have your successes recognised. You deserve to know that you're wonderful, and clever, and talented in many ways. Will you let me try to make up for this, please?"

"I don't need you to do anything, you're already letting me stay here."

"That's because you're my brother, and I care about you, and I don't want you on the streets. But I want to do more than that. I want to help you get to a point you're thriving, not just surviving. You're a good man - despite some of the things you've done. I know you're a good man with a good heart. You deserve to be recognised as such, and given the chance to show the world your talents."

Loki smiled, but laughed a little, uncomfortable.  
Maybe this wasn't the time to say, but... They hadn't really seen much other opportunity. And it meant they could escape the talk about all the really rough stuff. That had been a mistake - they were happy about Thor's apology, his determination to help, but they really weren't ready yet to fully delve into all of that.  
Just voicing it had helped for the time being, at least. A change of subject was probably necessary.  
"Uhh. About that."

"About what?"

They let out a long, slow sigh. "I appreciate everything you just said, please know that. I just, um... I- not to complicate things, and be more of a fucking snowflake, but I'm-- I think I'm okay with _you_ saying I'm your- Like, I appreciate what you said, but, I'm not a man-- I'm nonbinary? Like, I'm not your sister, either, definitely not that. But also technically not your brother, maybe. I don't know-"  
It was babbling. It was a mess. But they figured maybe they got the point across?

"Okay," Thor nodded, slowly. "Well, what's comfortable and what's bad for you? Should I be using different pronouns, or...?"

"Um," they paused, thinking. They hadn't really expected that to be his first reaction. They expected to have to explain everything first. "I prefer it when friends call me they, but I can tolerate 'he' usually, especially from like, strangers who don't think about pronouns and shit? I'd rather they saw me as a boy than a girl if they had to see me as either. I don't want to be 'they' in front of dad, though, I don't-- he doesn't deserve to know. You can call me he too I think. I don't know. Sorry. This was pointless"

"Alright," Thor soothed, rubbing circles on his sibling's shoulders, and pointedly ignoring their attempt to minimise how important this was to them. "I can try. And are you still Loki?"

"Loki is my name. I refuse to change it for anyone else."

"Fair enough. And do I need to help you with any medical transition stuff, or are you only wanting social transi-"

"I'm already on hormones," they cut him off. "Low dose, but I have them. And I know my facial hair isn't super bad anyway, but I'm already booked in for laser removal in a few weeks, though I've only paid the deposit. I just arranged for a date in the future because I wanted to give myself time to cancel in case it was an impulse thing since I've swayed between 'I'm fine with my facial hair, I don't need to be completely smooth faced to count, and it's not even that much' and 'god damnit any amount is way too much and I HATE it and I'm already shaving it whenever it comes in so why don't I just get rid of it now'. I can cancel it, though, I know it's not vital, and I don't have the cash for it any more." They were babbling about hair because maybe if they kept talking about that they wouldn't have to deal with the possibility of Thor asking about surgery. They weren't comfortable answering that kind of question from anyone, but especially not from Thor.

"Nope. I'll drive you there and pay the rest of it. And I'll take you to any future consultations, if you want that."

"It's fine, I'll just-- I'll do the dishes and clean the house in exchange for gas money. I always went alone, so it'll be weird turning up with someone."

Thor paused, and Loki felt the stare on their skin. They looked up to see concern across their brother's face. They looked away quickly, straight ahead at the pattern on his shirt.  
"Did your ex not go with you? Or any of your friends?"

"My friends were always busy. And I didn't tell him. He was very... very 'I'm gay and _only_ attracted to _men_ ' kinda deal. Didn't like nonbinary people, didn't like drag queens, didn't like trans men. Said it was cheating and you didn't count as a gold star gay if you fucked a trans man. He tolerated me wearing some fem things out, if it was like... passable as cis twink shit, y'know? But he made me take it all off if we were gonna sleep together. So. I guess we had an expiration date anyway, 'cause he was gonna figure out eventually when he realised I was growing tits. I just didn't want the breakup to be when I was in a bad place already."  
When Thor didn't respond right away, and Loki heard him inhaling and exhaling slowly, they looked up, and panicked at the anger on his face.  
"Oh, fuck, are you pissed at me? Did I say something wrong?" They tried to wriggle free, but Thor only gripped tighter.

"I'm not pissed at you. I'm pissed at him. Do you have his address?"

The whiplash of realising they weren't about to get hit, that the threat of violence was aimed at a man who hurt them, _because_ he hurt them--  
Loki swallowed thickly. Looked away again, this time because they didn't want him to see the flush that crept up their cheeks.  
It struck them, after a moment, that the hot headed boy they'd been missing was still there. He just wasn't losing his temper at Loki.  
It was weird.  
"I-- I do. But it's- maybe probably for the best you don't get arrested right now, much as I'd like to see him dead. Kind of need you out of jail supporting me or I'm a bit fucked."

"Right. You're right."

"Wait. Shit, I'm sorry, that sounded like, gold diggery of me. I swear, I'm not just- I promise I'm trying to get my shit back together, I'm gonna look for a job once I'm adjusted to my meds again and in less of a shit place. Like. Next week, okay? I promise, I--"

Thor stilled them, placing a hand under their chin to force them to look up (and that blush felt like a hot brand of shame on them, but maybe if he asked they could pass it off as embarrassment for saying something that sounded so bad?)  
"I don't think you're taking advantage of me, Loki. I'd far rather see you get into a good place first before trying to find a new job. Ideally, we get you into proper therapy that isn't from me, once you're comfortable with that - though I won't force you. Maybe we could even look up some training opportunities, get you into a job you enjoy, that you can last in for more than a few months. And you're welcome to stay here until you're ready and willing to move out. This is your home as long as you want it to be.  
"I meant what I said earlier. You're my sibling, and I love you."

It was too much. All of it was too much.  
They wriggled free, pushing their chair back with enough force it toppled to the floor with a crash, and they tried to bolt up to their room, tears already streaming down their face, but they barely got out the kitchen door before Thor caught up, grabbed them bodily, held them in place by the waist.

"Loki. What did I say wrong? What's wrong?"

"No, stop, let go, I can't-"

"Loki. Loki. Shhh. Talk to me. Don't run."

"I don't deserve this, you can't--"

"You do deserve it. You deserve to be cared for, you deserve to be in a good place--"

"But not from you!"

Thor let them go enough they half collapsed from resisting him, but he grabbed their wrists, pulled them back up.  
"Why not?"

They couldn't say it. They couldn't say what's really so fucking wrong about this whole set-up, they couldn't tell Thor of all people why they minimised contact with him for so many years, they couldn't because it would hurt him and they couldn't because it'd mean they were homeless and they couldn't because they were already abusing his kindness and they really shouldn't have started telling him any of this because it was all rotten all the way down.  
They shook their head and wrestled one wrist free and grabbed their phone as they promised, "I'll get out soon," trying to send out texts to friends that didn't even bother checking on them when they went to hospital last time because there was a chance one of them might tolerate them on their couches for a couple days.  
They nearly hit send when Thor snatched the phone from them, locked it and pocketed it.

"You don't have to run, Loki. I'm offering help freely. I don't want anything in return. If anything, I want you to accept to make me feel better about how shit I treated you before. Do you know what will make you feel like you deserve this?" Thor's soothing touch, wordlessly apologetic for restraining them, felt hot like a brand on their skin. They knew there was no malice behind his actions, and they knew he thought they were interpreting it that way, but that malice was all theirs.

"I need to not be bad."

"What makes you bad?"

"I'm rotten. I'm disgusting. I'm sorry. I can't tell you." Loki didn't even look at his shirt any more because they didn't deserve that; they looked into the middle distance to his left instead, eyes glazed.

"Have you done anything illegal apart from speeding?"

"Yes but that's not why."

"Okay. So is it anything I need to worry about? Any warrants out for your arrest?"

"Just stole stuff. It's not that."

"Then I don't care. Even if you did have warrants out for you, we'd just have to consider what to do about it. I'd probably even help you cover it up, so long as it wasn't like, murder. Even then, it'd depend on what they did, y'know? I'd still love and care about you." Even without looking at him, they could tell Thor was smiling fondly.

"Can you stop saying that, please," they asked, trying to keep their voice level. It burned, it felt like molten gold on their wrists, on their ears, in their skull, and it was beautiful but it hurt because they knew they weren't supposed to touch it.

"What?" Thor asked.

"That you love me."

"I do, Loki. I'm sorry, you can't stop me--"

"Stop!" It came out as a desperate yell, voice cracking and shaking.

The silence that came after was so long and so impenetrable that Loki felt they might stop breathing, so suffocated by it.  
They knew they'd ruined it. They knew it was over. Thor was going to kick them out for being a brat and it was just like Odin, they'd have all their shit shoved into duffel bags and thrown on the front lawn for everyone to see (not that Thor even knew that part, he was out at the time, on a trip with Frigga, and Odin told them Loki had moved out of their own volition, and Loki kept up that lie once they got back, when Frigga frantically called to check if they were okay, because it didn't feel like it was worth the fallout) and they'd have to go and find somewhere new and find a job that would take them even with their shitty record and it would all be bad bad bad just like they deserved.

When Thor shattered the silence with a simple, "okay," Loki realised they were shaking, and when he rubbed his hands up and down Loki's arms, gently, soothing, they didn't know what was real and what was their brain and how different Odin and Thor really were because for so many years they'd just seen him as a weapon wielded by his own father, right down to their same eyes being fucked up, and yet, yet, at the same time, Thor was _this_ , he was this unendingly kind and wonderful man that was every bit as golden as Loki had always resented.

And they didn't know if they loved him or hated him or both.  
And that was the root of the problem, really, wasn't it? It always had been.

"Can I go?" Loki asked, voice small, like a child.

"Will you run away or hurt yourself if you go?"

"I just want to go upstairs. And be alone."

"Then yes. You've done a lot of work tonight, Loki. I want you to be proud of the fact you've managed to talk to me."

They just nodded.

"And I'm always here if you need to talk more."

Another nod.

"You can text me whenever you want, too, if talking face to face is hard." He handed their phone back with that, and they grabbed it, held it close to their chest.  
One final nod, before Thor let them go, and they turned and ran upstairs. With their door barricaded, they tucked themselves under their duvet and sobbed themself to sleep trying to picture a life where they weren't constantly running away from problems they made for themself, from feelings that hurt so much to examine that their chest ached like a heart attack and their head throbbed like a concussion.  
They couldn't imagine it. It was all they'd ever known.

\---

It got more difficult to talk after that.

Thor would text them and ask, "Need to talk?" on days they locked themself in their room 'til dinner, came down simply to retrieve their plate and eat in silence before retreating back to the merciful quiet of their room.

"It's okay," they'd reply, a lie that fooled no-one. "I'm fine."

One conversation that didn't sputter out quickly was when Loki asked a few days after the incident, "how come you knew so much stuff about gender things?"

"Well," Thor shrugged, putting down the dish he'd been drying, "I had an opportunity for diversity training, back before I became self-employed. And I jumped at the opportunity 'cause... I mean, when you were younger, we all knew you were bi. Or- well. We knew you dated girls and boys. But I didn't say anything at the time, or tell you I supported you, I guess 'cause I figured it didn't need said? Like, I thought it was obvious, and I only twigged a couple years after you moved out that maybe I should've said at the time. And I felt like shit about that, but it felt weirder to text you out the blue, 'hey by the way I'm totally cool with you not being straight'. So I wanted to make sure I knew what to do if clients like you came to me. And, uh... at the time, I was beginning to realise that I, maybe, also, wasn't totally straight. And I was a bit confused and intimidated by a lot of the language used in places that were meant for adults. And felt a bit patronised on the sites meant for teenagers. So. Yeah. I really paid attention at that one. And they went into detail on a bunch of gender things."

"...You're not straight?"

Thor shrugged again, definitely avoiding Loki's gaze. "Well, no. I- I've not told our parents. I think, um, I didn't want to make things shitty, for you. Like, if dad was shitty about it, I didn't want it to bring up things for you, 'cause I know he didn't take it well with you. And if he wasn't shitty, I didn't want... I didn't want to make things worse."

"And you never thought to tell me before now?"

"In fairness, you didn't talk to me very much until recently. I think there was a point a couple years ago where you managed to go a full 11 months without contacting any of us, and I sent at least 5 texts to you in that time that got left on read."

"But that-- I--"  
They floundered for words.  
Thor was kind of right. How was it their business? They hadn't talked regularly for, what, four, five years before this? They certainly drifted apart when Loki was still a teenager, when they first felt like they were falling behind him every birthday that passed.  
(But that wasn't the issue.)  
(The bad things curled in their stomach, shifting, unsettled, and they couldn't even tell Thor _why_ it was such a big deal.)  
(Why they'd drank themselves to darkness more nights than they could count when they thought too hard about how predatory they were for coveting someone who was not only straight but could never, ever be interested never, not even with Loki being not entirely a boy because it was still a person with a dick so he'd be repulsed--)  
(No. That was still a valid problem, even with Thor being queer. He'd never be interested. But it wasn't because he was straight. It was because Loki was Loki. It was because--)  
"Never mind. It's fine. I mean, I didn't tell you about my gender stuff 'til the other night, so, I get it."

"Is it fine?"

Thor seemed to have developed a way of finding the cracks in Loki's armour and attacking them with absolute force.  
"Well, I know now. And we're in this together, I guess."

"We are!" Thor agreed with a smile, bright like a sunbeam.

Loki forced a smile that, like everything else, could never compare.

\---

Loki didn't know how to feel.

Well, no, they knew how they _should_ feel. They knew they should feel grateful that Thor was looking after them so well, and they should feel a renewed sense of familial affection, one they hadn't really experienced in years.

But they didn't feel any of that.  
If they were being honest with themself, they felt deeply guilty for being here, not only because they still hadn't found the energy to do anything to leave, but because they were-  
They were terrible. They were taking advantage. They were a secret creep. And if Thor ever found out, that would end even their newfound bond.

Lying alone in their room felt worse than any therapist's couch, they imagined, because there was nobody to argue against the bad thoughts. And there never would be, because any therapist with a decent moral backbone would call the fucking cops on them the second they mentioned it. He wondered if Frigga or Thor ever had to do that to anyone.

'When did this all begin?' asked their imaginary shrink, and they knew it wasn't always like this, but in their head it was a woman, not Thor, not Frigga, but a mid-40s lady with her hair pulled back in a severe bun behind her head, and bright red lipstick that never cracked because she never smiled, never moved a muscle in her face as she listened to them thinking up their response.

It was when they were 15 and Thor was 17. And Thor knew they were feeling bad and didn't ask why, but he gave them a hug, and they pushed him away and he assumed it was because they needed space but it was really because they got hard and felt sick over it because they knew it wasn't just there because they were touch starved; it was there because it was _Thor_ touching them.

No.  
No, it was when they were 14 and Thor 15 but not for much longer. Thor came back from whatever team sport he had been playing at the time (and there were so many that Loki didn't even bother to keep track), and he was covered in blood from a burst nose but he was grinning and Frigga fussed and tried to clean him up but he kept talking about how well they beat the other guys and Loki realised they wanted to kiss him, blood and all, wanted to taste it on their lips, and they ran upstairs and locked themselves in their room and didn't come out, especially not after their father came up to tease Loki because 'what kind of a boy is scared of blood?' and they wanted to scream something back to defend themselves but all they could think about was how it was their shared blood that was the real issue, the red rope that linked them from the second Loki was born.

Or maybe it was earlier that year when Loki found a book where siblings got orphaned and the narrator wanted his older sister and when she started dating some boy he got sick with jealousy and it ended with the brother and sister fucking and the sister's boyfriend found them and called them sick and they just kept going and Loki read the pages over and over 'til they got frayed and when they had to return it to the library they stole money to cover their late fees so Frigga didn't find out they had it in case she figured out how they felt, but not before they committed the scene to memory.

Perhaps it was when they were 8 and they wouldn't stop following Thor, no matter where he went, even when Thor's friends bullied them. Sometimes especially then because Thor would always defend them and once kicked a boy for trying to pull on Loki's hair.

Maybe even when they were too old to be saying it because they understood better what it meant now, but when they were asked what they wanted to do when they grew up they'd always tell people 'I'm going to marry Thor and look after him'. And the adults laughed at first, when they were young, and they didn't understand why; they barely even remember it actually happening but they know that it did because Frigga would tell it because she thought it was cute. But they kept saying it and kept saying it 'til father had to take them aside and explain 'marriage is between a man and a woman and it can't be with someone in your family' and they cried because it wasn't fair and they knew all the people who they knew who were married were men and women and weren't siblings but thought maybe they could be the exception.

Probably, though, it was when they realised that, as much as Odin pitted them against each other, much as they hated him sometimes, hated all that he represented, hated how they were expected to _be_ him in every way - when they realised they loved him just as passionately as they hated him, that they fell asleep thinking about him, that they fantasised about him holding them, and kissing them, and telling them it was okay that they weren't him, because he liked them the way they were already?  
That was probably when it was chronic, at least.

And when they got kicked out and purposefully tried to starve the love of oxygen, tried to minimise contact, and it still didn't go away? When they were 19 and fucking an ex football player and would only let him do them from behind because they could shut their eyes and pretend it was Thor? When they were 20 and drinking heavily and crying uncontrollably when they were alone in their flat and nobody was there to comfort them and they didn't want Frigga for comfort, just Thor, wanted his warmth and his love and his soothing voice? When they were 21 and broke a girl's heart by admitting they wanted to date her but they were still in love with someone they couldn't get over, and she walked out, came back only while they were at work to retrieve her things and post the keys through the letterbox?

It was just a string of complete failures. Failure to live up to expectation, failure to be a decent loving partner, failure to get rid of unwanted feelings, failure to be _normal_ , failure failure failure failure--

They hadn't realised how loud they'd been sobbing until Thor came in without knocking, asking, "Loki, what's wrong?", and leaning down next to their bed to run a soothing hand over their head.  
Reflexively, they batted it away, and even through their tears they could see the hurt on Thor's face.  
(Failure to be grateful. Failure to keep quiet. Failure to control themself.)  
"I'm not going away when you're in this bad a state. I want to help."

"You can't help me," they choked out.  
(The therapist in their head was fucking useless, clearly.)

"I can't if you don't let me try. Please. At least talk to me?"

"I can't talk to you, you'll hate me."  
They got swept in to a hug and knew immediately that they didn't deserve it, wanted to explain how wrong it was for Thor to be being kind to them when the reason they got into this state was so abhorrent.

"I can't hate you, Loki, you're my sibling and I care-"

"You shouldn't. You shouldn't care, just kick me out and let me rot, I'm disgusting."

Thor held Loki's shoulders and they could feel him looking sincerely down at them. but they couldn't bear to meet his gaze. That was like looking at the sun; too vital for life to get rid of, but too brilliant to stare directly into. Yet here they were, had spent their whole life trying to become nocturnal until they realised it was bad for them; but this too, being awake in the daylight hours and touching the very fire that was burning them to a crisp? What would be left of them?

Ideally, nothing.

"Loki. I need you to understand that I work with a lot of people that much of society deems disgusting. I work with people with kinks that even the internet at large would find perplexing. And you know something? They're good people. Most of them don't want to actually _do_ anything illegal. The ones that want to, I have to help figure out ways to scratch itches without harming anybody, y'know? But they're coming to me for help, and admitting that what they're experiencing is a problem for them, and trying to get help. So, I have a high tolerance for disgust. I promise you, no matter what this is that's causing you to think you're disgusting, I've encountered someone stranger, and I've helped them find a healthy balance, and I've been happy to do it."

"...What do you say to people that want to do illegal things?"

"That depends. For example, I've had a few flashers. And for one of them it was just about, y'know, the thrill of doing something they weren't supposed to. So we investigated why, and found some more legal alternatives to that, that didn't violate anyone else's consent. Or, uh... if they want to fuck animals, I help them figure out _why_ they do. And when we get to the root of that... Sometimes it's less about finding them attractive, and more about fearing human rejection. So we work on that."

"But what if it _is_ about wanting to do that _one_ thing you're not supposed to? What if alternatives never worked?"

Thor tilted Loki's chin up, causing them to wince, to stare at his cheek instead of looking him in the eye.  
"...Is it very illegal?"

"I didn't say I wanted to-"

"No. But asking me about it was the only thing that really stopped you crying. So it's something."

Their voice came out as a croak as they admitted, "I can't tell you."

"You don't have to if you're not comfortable."

Loki locked eyes with him finally, then. "The way you're holding me, I honestly doubt that. You're going to pull it out of me somehow."

"No." Thor let go of them entirely, shuffled back a little. "You're free. Sorry I invaded your personal space like that. I can refer you to a colleague if that's easier for you - I know you hate talking about sex and sexuality with your family, so not Frigga, but I know a few others-"  
And involuntarily, at the mention of family, Loki twitched.  
Thor tried to hold it back, Loki saw him try to settle his face to a neutral expression, but the dawning realisation spread over his face far too quickly to go unnoticed.  
The room fell silent. Loki thought they had stopped breathing entirely 'til Thor suddenly knocked the air from their lungs with another uncomfortably tight hug, and they remained frozen in place even then, even as Thor whispered to them, "I don't think you're disgusting. I don't think you're disgusting."

They felt a million miles away. Like they were watching this unfold from another galaxy, on a monitor, on a terrible satellite signal. Even as Thor let go of them and looked them in the eye before dragging them rapidly and rudely down from outer space out of sheer confusion as he said, firmly, "I won't tell her your feelings for her."

Blinking, perplexed and irritated, they asked, "tell who?!"

"...Our mother?"

Loki didn't consciously send the signal from their brain, so they were clearly still watching from some kind of a distance as their hand extended to slap Thor across the cheek.  
"I don't want to fuck Frigga you absolute fucking cretin."

"Oh," he blinked, and Loki could see him doing mental calculations.

They cut him off before he asked what he was clearly about to, with, "Or Odin, fuck, that's repulsive, _fuck_. I don't have mommy issues. I don't have-- Okay. Right. I probably have daddy issues. That's not the fucking _point_ for fuck's _sake_ , I don't want to _fuck_ him."  
They shoved Thor away from them and, again, their body was acting independently of the very small version of them that was trying to wrestle back control of the ship. They watched as they threw their clothes back into their bag, suddenly incredibly thankful Thor talked them out of selling the car, especially as they knew they were about to be living in it.

And Thor talked, tried to get through to them, they knew there was sound but their brain wasn't processing it because if they processed it then maybe they'd hear Thor changing his mind and calling them disgusting and asking how they could possibly take advantage of him like that, how they could stay under his roof with that kind of horrible secret and not lose sleep over it. But that was okay because if they kept ignoring it then it couldn't hurt them and then they'd park up in some multi-storey and hope they didn't get murdered and drink as much vodka as they could steal and maybe just eat the rest of their pills because if it didn't kill them it sure as fuck would wipe their memory of this whole thing and they'd write themself a note just saying 'you fucked it up with Thor, don't think too hard on it, he's blocked and you can't ever see him again' and that would be fine because they'd never get invited to family gatherings ever again because Thor would definitely tell Frigga and Frigga would tell Odin and Odin would disown them all over again and Frigga and Thor would write a joint paper on how disgustingly fucked up their child and sibling was and they'd probably even gender it as son and brother because who would bother respecting the identity of a fucking reprobate like that?

They were so lost in their own fantasy of how the evening and the rest of their life would play out that they didn't register that Thor had been screaming "LOKI!" in their ear until he forcibly spun them around and tore the bag from their hands, then pulled them into yet another inescapable hug.

That was enough to shake them out of their trance.

He whispered, "I love you," and Loki realised the shake in his voice meant he was crying. Fuck, was he that upset? Of course he was. He'd just found out his sibling was a degenerate, after all.

"I asked you not to say that, Thor, and I hope now you understand why." Their voice was shockingly calm, considering everything.

"Because you don't want me to say something you want to hear? Or because you think you don't deserve it?"

"Yes."

"So, both?"  
He pulled back to rest his hand on Loki's cheek, and wiped away some of their tears. He didn't let them wriggle free.  
"Stop. You deserve it. You've always deserved it."

They spoke addressing Thor's shirt collar.  
"I don't. There's not a healthy alternative this time, Thor. I've tried fucking people that looked like you and I've tried fucking people that didn't look like you. I've tried men, I've tried women, I've tried other people like me. I've tried drinking and drugs, I've tried medication and sleeping right and I've tried only watching the most basic boring vanilla porn to distract my brain without fucking it all up by thinking of you. Nothing works. I'm still broken. And you can't fix me."

"What if I don't want to fix you?"  
Loki's head snapped up, and they realised Thor was smiling, faintly.  
"What if you've just presented me with the worst ethical dilemma of my life and I'm strongly considering taking the route I really shouldn't?"

"Don't play with me," Loki warned.

"I wouldn't dare."

And before they were fully certain of how to interpret that, they were answered by Thor leaning in, and kissing Loki - soft, but definitely on the lips, there was no mistaking that much.

The time between Thor pulling away and the silence that fell between them breaking seemed to stretch on longer than their entire lifespans combined. Loki tried to measure their heartbeats as they felt their wrist pulse under Thor's grip, but it was racing; no use to them. They tried to measure their breaths, but they came out shallow and ragged. They tried to listen for the clock by their bedside ticking, but the blood rushed in their eardrums and they couldn't hear a thing.

So when Thor finally asked, "will you come sit with me downstairs? I don't want you locking yourself in here," Loki just nodded.  
It was easier to let things happen to them, to agree to whatever will Thor imposed on them because even if this was a big elaborate trick and they were about to get hauled off and sent to the psych ward to shock this sickness out of them, it was better than fighting. It was easier than running.  
And if it was real? They didn't let themself believe it, not quite yet, but on the slim chance that it really was true? Then Loki would do anything their brother asked them to.  
Thor led them, holding their wrist, and dragged them down the stairs, pushed them gently down to sit on the couch.  
The sun was halfway down. There was something cooking in the kitchen. Thor left for a few moments to switch everything off, and apologised from a distance, promised he'd be back once he'd prevented a terrible fire from breaking out.

Loki just nodded. Stared intently at the corner of the coffee table, where the wood joined, running their eyes back and forth along that line and imagining getting their nails in it and just prying it apart, seeing how much force it would take before it gave, seeing how badly they could fuck it up--

"Okay. Sorry about that."  
Thor returned, and he'd brought them a can of soda each. He placed one on the coaster nearest Loki, but they didn't dare touch it. He opened his, though, and took a drink.  
"Okay," he continued, and Loki realised his voice had been sounding scratchy. Had he been screaming that hard earlier? Had they really not noticed? Clearly not. "Look. I'm not going to rush anything. I don't think that's fair on you - I'd be taking advantage if- yeah."

"So... you're not disgusted by me."

"I've been disgusted by _myself_ all these years, Loki. Thinking I was--"  
He let out a heavy sigh.  
"When we were younger, I thought it was just you. I thought you were the only boy I was attracted to. And I figured, y'know, maybe it was just... because you were my sibling? That maybe I'd gotten the wires crossed between familial love and- well. So I assumed I was still straight because everyone else I was attracted to was a girl. But they were always these distractions and when there wasn't a distraction it bounced back to you."  
He leaned forward, and pulled Loki's hand up to kiss each of his knuckles, soft and apologetic.  
"Then I thought it might just be... proximity. That I thought about you because you were _there_ and you were around the same age as me. And I settled on that being the truth until you left. And I never saw you for months at a time. And I still lost sleep thinking about you.  
"And then I realised I liked other men, men that weren't you. Not that you--"

"No, I get it. I was a boy to you until like, a few weeks ago, it's fine."

"Okay. Well. It was around that diversity training thing that I began thinking I might have been fixated on you because I was struggling with my own sexuality, and part of me knew before that that you weren't straight, even before you said it. So I went with that for a while."

"And it still didn't go away?"

"It's never went away. I should show you pictures of the people I've dated or slept with, sometime. You'd laugh at how many of them looked like you, in some way. Dark, long hair, or green eyes, or long beautiful fingers, or sharp features like you- Loki. I was always chasing you. I never dared take any of them home because you know our mother would figure it out in a heartbeat, it was that painfully obvious.  
"And I tried my own advice, I tried looking for distractions and healthy alternatives, and I tried pretending I wasn't really attracted to _you_ , I was attracted to the _idea_ of you. Nothing else was ever enough. Nobody else would do."

Loki couldn't help but laugh. And once they started, more came, and they couldn't stop. They leaned forward, pressed their face into Thor's chest and laughed 'til they cried, and not how they'd been crying before.  
Clearly, it was infectious, as they felt Thor's chest begin to move under them, and he wrapped his arms around them, pulling them tight.

There were no more words. They just laughed 'til they got hungry, then they salvaged the dinner in a comfortable silence, and cuddled up to watch TV together, closer than they'd been since Loki first moved in.

And when it was time to sleep, Thor led them upstairs, and when they tried to go to their bedroom, Thor grabbed their wrist and tugged them gently to his bed.  
They didn't fight it.  
Thor didn't initiate anything, and they were thankful for that, too tired and too raw from emotional exposure to even contemplate it. But they spent the night cuddling, in t-shirts and boxer shorts, and drifted off to sleep wondering if they would truly believe this was reality any time soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains Loki being triggered by the mention of choking, and some oblique and not-so-oblique references to historical abusive relationships. If you want to skip the most graphic (? it's not super graphic but potentially upsetting still) description of that, it's a large block of italicised text in parentheses, so skim 'til it's no longer in italics and the parentheses end.

In the morning, Loki woke first, suddenly aware they were in an unfamiliar bed. More unfamiliar than the one in the guest room. In Loki's room.

Thor's arm pinned them in place, and they had to run the calculations on whether moving would disturb Thor and start a Conversation sooner than they were ready for, or if he'd sleep through it and let Loki have some space. Some time to think.

Maybe they didn't actually need time to think. Maybe if they were left alone with their head long enough they'd convince themself this was all a terrible misunderstanding and if they stuck around any longer Thor would get angry and kick them out and they'd never see him again and he'd tell their parents and everyone that knew them.  
But it was harder to really believe that when he held Loki close even in sleep, their back to his chest and his breath on their neck. The weight of his arm grounded them just enough to keep the panic at bay.

What didn't help, though, was feeling Thor's cock slowly fill and press against the back of Loki's thigh.  
They took a deep breath, tried to wriggle away just a little. Tried to remind themself that he was asleep and not in control of it, and that it didn't mean they had to do anything about it. He wasn't any of their shitty ex-boyfriends, he probably wasn't going to half wake and start grinding against their arse without asking and get in a rotten mood the rest of the day if they pulled away and didn't let him use them.

Okay. The panic really was rising, regardless of all the safe things reminding them that this wasn't the same, this wasn't a repeat, they weren't trapped, they could easily lift Thor's arm and leave the room and he wouldn't corner them in and yell and push and threaten.  
And to prove it to themself, they did exactly that, wriggling free and looking back quickly to check he hadn't woken. No. He was fine. Still snoring lightly. And smiling slightly.

They let out a sigh of relief, and padded quietly downstairs, began to make up breakfast. At first, just for themself, going for toast and strawberry jam, but then, for the first time in fuck knows how many years, they were struck with the urge to put in extra effort for someone else that they didn't immediately want something from.  
Just toast turned into toast, eggs (originally an omelette, but they became scrambled quite quickly and accidentally), bacon, and orange juice; more than enough for both of them.

They just about jumped out their skin when they felt a gentle kiss on the back of their neck, a soft hand resting on their hip, had been so engrossed in their task they didn't hear Thor coming up behind them.

"Sorry! Sorry, are you okay?" Thor immediately began placating as Loki brandished the spatula like a weapon.

"I'm fine." They looked over at their hand, and lowered it, bashful. "Sorry. You frightened me."

"I figured. Um. Was that okay? Am I allowed to do that?"

They swallowed thickly, and turned back to the stove.  
"Try it again now I'm expecting it and I'll tell you."  
They could hear Thor's chuckle behind them, and let him pull their hair back, press another kiss to their neck.  
Yeah. Yeah, that was definitely allowed.  
"I'll tolerate it," came out their mouth instead, though.

"Mm. And I'll tolerate slightly burnt bacon if it means I get to kiss you."

"Burnt?"  
They looked down. That shit needed flipped all of a minute ago. They did that fast, and assessed that, yeah, this was over done. Still edible. But, "Fuck."

Thor helped put everything out, and when it was set out and on the table, stopped them and held them by the cheeks.  
"Thank you, Loki. This was sweet of you."

They shook their head to get out his grip, but lowered their gaze, blushing lightly.  
"It's fine. You've been doing it for me lately. 'sfair."

"I still appreciate it."

\---

Going forward from that point was strange.

Loki was still depressed. Thor still had to hold them and soothe them and counsel them at least once a week.  
They felt... cared for. Loved, even? And the casual intimacy, the domesticity was almost thrilling in its novelty. Not being used for sex? Not being ignored in favour of friends or alcohol or work? Not being excluded from huge parts of Thor's life? Being included when he went out on errands, being invited to join him when he went out to meet with friends? Being asked for opinions on mundane things, and having that opinion valued?

But none of that stopped the worry loops.

"I just-- I think you're probably not gonna tolerate me forever," Loki reasoned one evening, trying to sound calm and rational to mask the deep dark ocean of fucking crazy sloshing around in their skull.

"I want to make up for all the years I didn't give you enough of my time. Short of you murdering me or anyone I love, I'll more than tolerate you. I'll love you. I always did love you, I just... wasn't doing good enough." Thor ran his fingers through their hair, pulling them down to rest their head in his lap.

"What if I got real bad again, and super depressed? Worse than I am now?"

"Then I'll be here to help you through it."

"What if I'm a stupid slut and fuck someone else?"

"I'll be hurt, and I'd really prefer it if you don't, but I'd still love you."

"What if I end up deciding I want to like, binary transition and I wind up as a woman full time?"

"Then I'll have a beautiful sister."

"What if people find out about us?"

"We'll figure that out if it comes to it. Truthfully, I'll probably deny it so we can keep living comfortably together, but if we can't? Maybe we'll run out to the country and go off the grid."

Loki rolled and squished their face into Thor's stomach.  
"I'm pissing you off, aren't I?"

"No. It's part of my job to be stubbornly optimistic in the face of crushing negativity. And I'm going to keep chipping away at that negativity in your brain 'til you start believing the positive things just as much as I do." He pressed a finger to Loki's cheek, pushed up to give them a fake smile, which gave way to a gentle real one when they realised what he was trying to do.

"You really believe all the shit you say? Like you're not just saying it 'cause you're trained to?"

"Eh," Thor shrugged. "Bit of both. I believe it, but it took training myself to believe all of it. You can train yourself too. I can help."

"Can you _really_ imagine me being all sunshine and delight?"

"I can hope. For your sake." Thor lifted Loki's hand to kiss their knuckles.

Things went like that, in waves.  
Some days were good, and Loki felt capable of handling things themselves, knowing Thor would be there to help if they needed support. Later that week, they drove themself to the doctor to pick up their prescription, grabbed food to make a decent and healthy meal, then got home and prepared it with minimal input from Thor.  
It felt good. They felt accomplished. They felt almost normal. Like a mostly functional adult as opposed to a poorly animated scribble of negative emotions wrapped up in a barely functional meatsack.

And then the next day, while laying on the couch and watching a TV drama, things fell to pieces very suddenly.  
A couple on screen dramatically broke up because he admitted he didn't want to fuck her any more, and he was already seeing other people.  
Thor must have felt Loki tense up before they opened their mouth, because he squeezed their wrist tight and muted it immediately.

"Loki-"

"Are you fucking other-"

"No. I'm not," Thor cut them off, raising their hand gently to calm them. "Last time I was with anyone was about two weeks before you arrived. I didn't call them back after that night, and they knew I wasn't going to. I don't even have their number any more. You're more than welcome to go through my own phone if you like to verify that - I can't give you free reign over my work phone because of client confidentiality but there's no way I'd send personal texts on there, in case of an inappropriate text misfire. I even keep it downstairs at night so there's no chance of misdialing."

Loki's lip wobbled as they tried desperately not to get jealous over the fact Thor had fucked _anyone_ else, especially not when, in fairness, they had still been fucking their boyfriend even near the end of the relationship.  
"But you won't fuck me."

They knew why, in theory. Thor's reasoning was sound. He said he didn't want to make Loki feel pressured, not while they were still emotionally delicate. It was about not wanting to take advantage of them. It was part of what he said he always suggested to clients with sex problems - take sex off the table until the reasons behind the issues get resolved.  
But their insecurity was devouring them like a starving animal.

Thor grabbed their wrists, and pushed them back gently against the couch, 'til they lay flat. Loki let themself be moved, let Thor lean over them.  
It was really easy to let him take control.  
"I won't fuck you right now because I don't want to ruin this. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to push you. I don't want to make you feel like you're only good for my pleasure. I want you to know and to really _believe_ that I love you before I even think about fucking you."  
He leaned in close, dipped right next to Loki's ear.  
"Except... I'm already thinking about it. Every night, I want to pin you down and fuck you 'til you forget every last worry in your head. The only thing keeping my willpower from breaking is the fact I care about your well-being more than I care about sex."

"What if fucking me will help my well-being?" Loki breathed out.

"Are you confident it will? Or do you just think it will because you've treated sex as your primary indicator of self-worth for the past decade?"

Loki felt their cock throb. They didn't know if it was more to do with the position they were in; or if it was Thor talking therapy to them; or maybe the fact he was trying to look after them; or if it was him finally admitting how much he wanted to fuck them.  
Maybe all of the above.  
"I think it probably can't hurt as much as you're worrying it will." Their voice was a low growl, a dare.

"And if you're wrong?"

"Then we'll have to keep trying."

Thor lifted his head to look down at them, then, his serious expression cracking into a small smile.  
"I think if anyone can actually cure their problems with dick, it would be you."  
He let them go, leaned down to kiss their stomach before sitting back upright.  
"I want to talk to you about it first. I know you have hangups, and I'm going to guess you have triggers. I want to work through them and know what is and isn't okay for you."

"That doesn't sound terribly spontaneous and sexy," Loki bemoaned, joining Thor in sitting up.

"Yeah, spontaneous is fun when you know you're not gonna do anything harmful to your partner. If you actually open up to me and talk about it beforehand, I can ensure it stays sexy and doesn't take a nasty dip into panic valley. Call it planned spontaneity."

Loki stared at him, unblinking. "That's not a thing. You can't plan spontaneity."

"Alright. Informed spontaneity?"

"Slightly more of a thing."

"Well, good, because that's what we're going to do if we're going to do anything."  
Thor leaned in and kissed their cheek. "Trust me. This is literally my area of expertise."

Loki sighed heavily, but pulled their knees up to their chest and rested their head on Thor's shoulder, allowed him to switch over to something less upsetting.  
(Allowed Thor to take care of them.)

\---

Thor had compiled a list of therapists he knew that Loki could talk to. About anything, he assured, but he highlighted the specific ones that specialised in sex therapy, in case Loki especially needed to speak to them.

"And I'm sure they'd be happy to keep their mouth shut if they knew their peer was in a relationship with his younger brother."

"Well," Thor scratched his beard thoughtfully, "You don't have to say that we're together. They'd not say anything if you just talked through the fact you struggled with talking to your partner about sex-"

"Stop," Loki interrupted. "Don't be stupid about this. I realistically cannot talk to another person about this. If I slip up and they figure out my partner is you, it will get us both in trouble if they tell, and it could get them in trouble if they don't tell."

"But it's not fair to have you rely on me. You deserve to have the option to talk to other people - if not about this, then about other things."

"Okay. So if I go to a regular flavour therapist about all the other shit and try get my head on right in other areas of my life, will you agree to let me deal with my sex hangups alone?"

"Nope. You still have to talk with me about things before we go any further anyway."

This conversation kept circling around day after day. Thor would try to get Loki to talk about what they liked, and Loki would clam up - or Loki would try their luck and push a little further than kissing, and Thor would stop them, asking them to just _talk_ first.

It wasn't like Loki didn't want to fuck Thor. That much was blatantly obvious. But their reluctance to actually talk about their triggers and dislikes consistently seemed to outweigh their desire. Which was saying a lot, considering how often they locked themself in the bathroom or their old bedroom and jerked off 'til it _hurt_ , thinking about Thor just _touching_ them, touching their back, their thigh, their hips as he manoeuvred around them in bathroom the morning so he could brush his teeth next to them, biting their earlobe with a giggle as they worked on dinner, kissing their neck, their cheek, their lips as they got ready for bed.

And sometimes, in the blissful few minutes after coming, they would think, 'I need to talk to him so I can finally fuck him'.  
But by the time they got cleaned up, the prospect was so daunting it seemed insurmountable.

So when Thor brought out a printed checklist of various sex acts, kinks, and types of toys? Loki was mortified. Clearly Thor's biggest kink was _lists_. They should have known. The amount of meticulous to-do lists he'd set out for household chores was a dead giveaway.

"Do I have to do this?" they asked, apprehensive.

"No. But it might make it easier for you to talk about what you like with me, if you're just ticking boxes. I might ask you about some things, but you have the right to refuse discussion on any point if it's really too uncomfortable for you." Thor had his therapist voice on. Level, calm, and just that little bit too professional for Loki's comfort. They wanted to remove his glasses (because they were pretty sure that was the entire source of his power when he went into therapist mode) and just beg him to fuck them right then and there on the couch.  
But they didn't. They were too stunned. And embarrassed.

"I hate you. I hate this." They picked at a frayed corner of a tear in their jeans to keep from even making eye contact with the list.

"If you hate me, then we don't have to have sex, and therefore we don't have to talk about it. I mean, even if you like me, we don't have to-"

"Thor, you know I want to. You know this. Stop. Please. I'll tick the fucking boxes, fuck above."

So they did, with Thor leaning back, pointedly reading a book to give Loki the illusion of relative privacy.  
Next to each act were six options: "love", "like", "willing to try", "unsure/no opinion", "dislike", and "hard no". Then beside that was a bigger box where Loki could write notes about each thing, if they so chose. And there were definitely over 10 pages.

At first they were incredulous at the things Thor had included.  
"Kissing isn't sex. If you think it is, you're doing it _way_ wrong."

"But it can be a component of sexual activity, and some people don't like it. Now, I know you like kissing casually, but do you like it during sex?"

"...only if I actually care about the person. And like, not with a lot of tongue. I feel like I'm being- it's more violating than a cock down my throat if someone just shoves their tongue into my back teeth without warning or finesse", they shuddered.

"Write 'minimal tongue' down next to it then?" Thor smiled, and Loki knew they'd just accidentally proven his point. And Thor clearly knew that too. They could see him biting back a smug smile.

A little further down the list, they asked "Have you used clinical words specifically to get me to talk to you about some of these?" with an exasperated sigh, "Because I don't know what 'intercrural' sex is, and I've done a lot of things.'

"Oh. That wasn't my intention. I'm sorry, I didn't think-"

"Okay, fine, whatever. What is it?"

"Thigh fucking. Rubbing your cock between someone's thighs without p- without going inside of them."

Loki's irritation at Thor acting like they didn't know the word 'penetration' was eclipsed by curiosity. "...oh. Huh. I- I never thought- does it feel good for the person whose thighs are getting used?"

"It can do, depending on the angle. You can get a good deal of friction from it. It needs practice and communication, though."

"Huh." their hand hovered over the paper a little before ticking 'willing to try'.

This repeated for a majority of non penetrative sex acts (the exception being 'mammary intercourse' which led to Loki smiling and proudly exclaiming, "Oh! Tit fucking?", with mischief in their eye as they pointedly ticked 'willing to try' for 'giving'.)  
There was a soft no on feet ("Do you get a lot of clients into that?" they asked with a smirk, and Thor admitted, "No, not really. Most people who are into feet aren't that troubled by it. It's actually relatively common and vanilla, and the only time I really speak to people who have it in a professional capacity is when one partner is extremely into them and the other is extremely repulsed by them." A small spark of contrarianism flared in Loki's chest, and they considered ticking 'willing to try' just to see. They didn't, but filed that thought away for later exploration), and a few others were marked 'unsure' out of simply having no idea even in theory if they'd ever enjoy them.

Then they got to penetrative acts, and Loki felt queasy.  
"This is dumb," they tutted, flopping back against the couch.

"You don't have to do all of this in one night. Or go any further, if you really don't want to."

"No, because the longer I don't do something like this the longer you won't fuck me, and I'm tired of jerking off in the shower." A hot burn of shame crawled up their neck at admitting that, but it was already out their mouth.

Thor sat forward, and held their hand, yet still kept what he clearly perceived to be a safe distance (as if any distance between them was 'safe' or 'morally okay' or 'not totally fucking weird' any more).  
"Loki. I'm sorry. You can skip over parts that make you really uncomfortable if you want to."

"No because that's just the same as ticking 'hard no' when sometimes it's a hard yes, I just don't want to think too hard about doing it with _you_." Their hands were shaking so hard they had to put the pen down.

"If you can't even think about doing it with me, then how do you plan on acting on-"

"I can _think_ about it just fine if I'm- I'm- if I'm 'fantasizing'." They put it in over-exaggerated air quotes to indicate that they really meant 'wanking themself raw'. "But if it's all clinical like this it's just. I guess it's because it's sharing it with someone else. I don't like saying what I think about. I just like doing whatever happens and, I dunno, if it's too vanilla then I fantasize about the weird shit I like during."

"And that's vulnerable? Telling someone else what you like?"

"Yes! What if I get laughed at? Or called gross? Or- or fuckin', put under a microscope and pathologised? I already know I'm crazy, but I don't want my orgasms to be proof of that."

Thor fell silent for a few beats, clearly thinking. "...would it help if I completed this, too? Then you could see the things I like and the things I don't, and I'm in a vulnerable position too. I don't plan on laughing at you, or judging you, or treating your kinks like symptoms, but giving you a list of things _I_ like means we're on even footing."

Loki chewed their lip a little. That sounded fair, maybe?  
"Yeah, actually. Is that okay? Will you be mad if I put a hard no on something you like?"

"I mean, no, I won't be mad. We can talk about it, if you like - if it's a trigger or incredibly repulsive to you, we don't go forward and I live without, because there's nothing I enjoy that I can't live without - especially when the reward for sacrificing it is the opportunity to be with you. But if you wanna try it, or discuss why it's a no, then I'm open to working with you on it, knowing that it might still end in a hard no."

They swallowed thickly, and nodded. "Yeah. Please."

Thor left, to print another copy, leaving Loki alone in the room to rush through a variety of the anal and oral penetrative acts and positions that Thor had provided. It was notably easier without him there.  
When he returned, their cheeks were flushed a soft pink, which made Thor laugh a little, and he leaned in to kiss them.  
"You doing alright?"

Loki nodded.  
"I'm done the first few pages. This is dumb though. Sex is more complicated when you reduce it to a list like this."

"Agreed. But it got you talking about it more than anything else has," Thor proclaimed with unparalleled smugness.

The flush on their cheeks grew darker, as did their expression.  
"I hate myself. I could have just chosen to obsess over any of my partners who didn't give a fuck about me and just used me like a cumdump and been perfectly happy, but no. I had to go and develop an immovable crush on _you_."

"Yeah. Well. Unfortunately for both of us, I care about you and your well-being. And I want to fuck you so hard you forget your name."

They rolled their eyes to mask how much his words went right to their dick, and steadily made their way through the kinks portion of the list, trying to bite back panicked giggles.

Then they got to choking. And the panic wasn't giggly any more.

 

_(It was like they couldn't breathe just by reading it. Like they were back in the bedroom of their secret boyfriend in high school and, while playfighting, clothes on, he grabbed their throat and squeezed and it didn't feel like playfighting any more and they were frozen, too scared to fight back, more paralysed with fear than the physical restraint around their throat then-  
Then nothing.  
Black and warm and hazy nothing.  
Then crying. Waking up to him crying. Having to comfort him while they were still woozy, having to apologise for blacking out while their voice was still hoarse, having to pet his hair and keep their own tears back.) _

__

__

__

_(And then, later.)  
(Well. They knew what he was capable of when he wasn't even trying to make them black out.)  
(Safer to stay still and not fight and not risk dying this time, because what if he squeezed tighter? What if he squeezed so tight they never woke up?)  
(They may have been suicidal but they wanted that to be their decision. Not his.)_

 

Then Thor's hands covered theirs and Thor's words were echoing distantly in their ears and Thor's body heat was seeping into the ice of these bleak memories.  
"Loki. Are you with me?"

No. They were still miles away, years away, but they could hear him. And they knew he was real. He was real, and the memory of their ex, he wasn't.  
"Just about. Um. I don't want to look at it again, but- could you mark 'choking' down as a hard no for the time being but-- I want to work on that. If you do."

"Is it a trigger?"

"Yes."

"Then we don't have t-"

"I want to," they cut off. "I don't want to spend my whole life panicking every time I even see someone else getting-- like, porn is a fucking minefield, y'know? I can't even count how many orgasms it's ruined 'cause they just... went for it. So. You know how to therapise and shit. Try therapise that out of me. Please? Just not now. I can't- I don't want to talk any more right now."

Thor nodded, and pulled them into a firm hold - not so firm they couldn't wriggle free if they needed to, but enough to ground them.  
"I think you've done enough for today."

"I think I have too, actually, thanks for noticing."

Thor laughed a little, pressing a soft kiss to Loki's head.  
"This is why I wanted to do this, you know? I didn't want to find out about this kind of thing when you were naked and vulnerable. I didn't want to make things worse. Retraumatising you or- or making any new triggers."

"Well. I get that, in theory, now, I guess. I still don't love it."

"Fair enough. But I love you."

Loki smiled, and buried their head into Thor's chest in response.

\---

Over the course of the next few days, the list got finished, Loki tackling a small block of tick boxes at a time to prevent themself from getting overwhelmed.  
Thor had taken a marker and blacked out choking. He'd asked if Loki knew of anything else that would set them off that badly, but off the top of their head, there was nothing else that warranted that degree of redaction.

But apparently, just finishing and comparing the lists wasn't all Thor had in mind for them.  
"I want you to try using a safeword with me," he began a conversation with one evening, causing Loki's hand to freeze halfway to their mouth, the grape it held falling back into the bowl.

"We haven't even done anything that requires a safeword yet, we've just _kissed_. Or is this- are you propositioning-"

"I'm proposing we practice with just kissing. To get you used to using one, and knowing I'm going to honour it. And you can use it while we are _just_ kissing if you want to, but I'm thinking, maybe I let my hands wander and try move the situation forward a little, and you take that as your cue to use it then. Does that sound alright?"

Loki bit back a smile and agreed to that, trying not to seem too enthusiastic. Trying to hide the fact that they had absolutely no intention of using the safeword, hoping that Thor would crack and finally fuck them.  
They agreed to a simple traffic light system regardless (red for stop, yellow for slow down), and after an hour or so of trying to hide their excitement and anticipation, Thor led them upstairs, holding their hand.

It was good. It started good - soft, slow kisses, first on their lips, then down to their neck, their ear, their shoulder, their collarbones - and it kept getting better. They couldn't remember ever being this hard from just kissing, nobody had made them shiver this much, not even when they were a desperate teenager, touch starved and prone to coming without even a single finger on their cock.  
Luckily, they weren't quite so bad for that any more. Which was almost a shame - if they could still manage that, then maybe Thor could finally give them an orgasm.

Their fingers dug into his arms, and Loki knew he'd be upset if they didn't use the safeword. But they really didn't want to. Could they safeword on the safeword? Was that a thing? Even if it was, it would kill the moment in the short time it took to explain what, exactly, they were objecting to.

Then Thor's hands began to wander up Loki's shirt, and they knew that was their cue, knew what they were supposed to say, what they had technically agreed to, but they wanted him to hurry up and rip their clothes off and fuck them so hard it hurt and they tried and failed to bite back a moan--

Thor pulled back from kissing Loki's neck to whisper in a low, hoarse voice they'd never heard from him before, "remember what we discussed," and it was a warning, but they knew as soon as he said it that he wanted it every bit as much as they did.  
And it struck them. They had the power here. Yes, Thor may be the one on top, he may be the bigger one, the stronger one, but...  
Loki had the power to stop this. And Thor wanted to go further, too - if the hungry look in his eyes was anything to go by, they were entirely on the same page.  
But Loki could stop him. That was exhilarating.

It prompted them to do what they knew was the right thing.  
"Okay. Okay. Red."

Thor's breathing was ragged, but, with much reluctance, he drew his hands away, good on his word, and lay next to Loki, pointedly staring at the ceiling.  
"Are you okay?" he asked, quietly.

Loki's heart jumped.  
People generally didn't ask them that after they tried, sometimes succeeded, to stop things. Usually it was, 'why?', or 'let me finish', or 'no.'  
But even though they both wanted it, even though Loki could see Thor's cock straining against his sweatpants, he stopped. He checked Loki was alright.  
"I'm- I'm good. I'm fine."

"You comfortable with using it?"

"Yeah. You actually stopped." They said it like they were describing a miracle.

"Of course I did," he smiled, and Loki rubbed their hands over their face to hide the tears welling up in their eyes.

"Okay. Is there- is there any chance you could... unstop, though? Because I was really enjoying that." An understatement, which Thor clearly recognised as such, judging by his small smirk.

"You're sure you're up to it? And you promise you'll stop me if there's _anything_? Like, even if there's nothing wrong with you but you change you mind, or it's just not feeling good, or-"

"I promise," Loki smiled and held up their pinky to link with Thor's, interlinking with his as they swore, "I'll be good."

"It's not about you being good. It's about you not getting hurt."

"Then be gentle with me," they mock-swooned.

Thor turned to smile at them, but Loki saw his breath catch in his chest. They opened their mouth to ask what was wrong, but Thor cut across them.  
"You're so fucking beautiful. Do you know how difficult it's been taking this slow?"  
He rolled over, bent over Loki again, kissing them deep enough they didn't even feel like arguing the point that they wanted to fuck this whole time, actually, that the slowness was all Thor's fault.

And the second time was just as good.  
But Thor's hands moved further up their chest, pressed against their nipples, and they let out a sharp gasp at the pressure.

He pulled back immediately.  
"Did that hurt?"

"No," they lied, then remembered who they were speaking to. "Sort of? It's-- they're sensitive. Too much, and it hurts like hell. So. Gentle, please, seriously."

Thor pulled back a second, clearly thinking.  
"Can I take your shirt off?"

Loki nodded enthusiastically, helping to pull it off and throw it unceremoniously on the floor.  
Thor leaned in and kissed their chest, all delicate touches and light squeezes. It was still sensitive - but not painfully so. It was all the right kind, the kind that made their skin feel electrified, the current of pleasure rippling through their muscles, so much so they didn't consciously realise they were whispering his name as encouragement until he sucked on one of their nipples, drawing his name from their lips in a desperate moan.  
And that was when it struck them fully that this really was _Thor_ , their brother was sucking their tits and he wasn't repulsed either by the fact that they belonged to his sibling, or by the fact they were growing, and that he was actually willingly doing this, there had been no tricks, no lies, no manipulation to get him here like this.  
Suffice it to say that they were not exactly happy with their body for choosing that moment to decide the attention was too much.

"Yellow," they whimpered out, pushing Thor's head away, and when he pulled off, licking his wet, kiss-reddened lips, Loki felt their cock pulse in protest.

"Are you alri-"

"Yes. Fuck, yes, you're so fucking good, it's just- it's too much now. You didn't do anything wrong, just- sensitive."

Thor nodded, and asked, "Can I still kiss you, or-"

"I'd actively encourage it, in fact." He began to lean in to do just that, but they stopped him. "Let me get on top for a bit."  
Their motivation was largely to protect their chest - it's difficult to avoid unwanted stimulation even with the best of intentions with someone else on top. But part of it was the realisation that being on top would afford them a little extra control.  
Thor rolled on his back, and they quickly straddled him, immediately feeling through his sweats just how hard he still was, straining against the fabric. Loki pressed their own against the outline of Thor's, and thrust against it. Even through the layers, the heat of him against them was intoxicating.

"You don't have to-" Thor began, but Loki shushed him.

"I want to. I've wanted to feel you for fucking years, Thor, I'm sick of waiting. Tell me if _you_ need me to stop, but _I_ don't want to use it right now."

Thor stared up at their face, searching for some hint of insecurity, or uncertainty, or anything to indicate he should insist they stop, but he evidently found nothing when, after a long few moments, he nodded.

So Loki continued, grinding against him, pulling him into a deep kiss by gripping Thor's collar so tight it could have ruined the shirt.  
Their movements were desperate, imperfect, and there were times when they slipped and neither of them felt anything for a frustrating few seconds - but Loki readjusted them, used their spare hand to keep their cocks aligned, to keep chasing that friction, and they whispered against Thor's lips every time they pulled away from the kiss for air, whispering, "I can't wait 'til I can feel this inside me. I want you to fill me up, fuck me so full I feel empty without you. I'm all yours, I swear, all of this is for you," and Thor couldn't properly get a word in edgeways even if he wanted to, but he kept moaning and hissing " _yes_ " as Loki spoke.

Loki came first, messy and staining what clothes they still had on, and they collapsed on Thor, heavy and panting.

He pet their hair, whispered, "good- you're so good." They knew, even through the haze of their comedown, that Thor was about to say 'good boy' and caught himself, but they found they really didn't care. They actually kind of liked the thought of being a good boy - or even a good girl, maybe - but only for Thor. Every other ex that talked like that repulsed them, but this? This was nice. This was safe.  
They'd have to tell him that later. When they weren't trying so desperately to get their breath back enough to finish off Thor.

"Sorry. I'll- give me a minute, then I'll finish you."

"You don't have to," Thor repeated, and they could hear the smile in his voice.

They perched up a little on their elbows to look at him. "But you haven't come? Have you?"

"No, but I don't have to."

They squinted at him.  
"Generally that's considered selfish. Y'know, only one person finishing. Isn't that part of what you _do_?"

"If it's causing a couple issues, and one person's repeatedly not giving the other any time or consideration, then yes, I can work on that with them. But it's okay for just one person to-"

"What if I feel bad if you don't get off? Am I allowed to then?" they interrupted him before he got back into his dumb smart person brain instead of his dumb horny brain (which was, actually, less dumb in this particular situation).

"What if I don't want to?"

"You do. I know you do."

"I'm happy not to if it means you don't feel obligated-"

"Shut up," they cut him off again, kissing him, and wrapping their fingers around the outline of his cock, slowly jerking him off through his clothes.

When they broke away to adjust, Thor reasserted, "You only have to do this if you want to. I'm happy not to." And his mouth could keep saying that, but it came out in between ragged breaths and his cock kept twitching like the needle on a lie detector.

"Do you ever switch off your fucking work brain? You can safeword, but I'm going to keep trying to make you yell my name so long as you don't."

Thor laughed, and kissed them again, letting a soft moan slip past his lips, and Loki thought it was the most beautiful sound they'd ever heard.  
They quickly realised they were wrong. A moan from Thor alone was beautiful, yes, but it paled in comparison next to Thor crying out Loki's name as he came, begging, "please," and cursing and whimpering until Loki finally took mercy and let him go.

\---

It became drastically easier to initiate things after the first time. Thor would still be painfully level headed about things, reassuring Loki they didn't have to do things when they wanted to more than anything - but they almost came to appreciate that, infuriating as it was. And he still insisted on keeping things at a glacial pace, limiting them to things like frot, and handjobs, but they were still orgasms, and they were wonderful. There was one glorious evening where he thigh fucked them, which meant they got to see Thor's cum streaked all over on their stomach and feel him press down on top of them enough they could imagine him just slipping, sinking inside, filling them, but, unfortunately, they still had to resort to a(n admittedly fantastic) handjob to finish up.  
It was consistent proof that Thor actually cared. Cared enough to take it slow. Intended to stay with Loki long enough that they didn't have to rush things. Wanted to show them all the other ways they could get each other off, and make them every bit as valuable and exciting so they didn't have to measure their entire worth against how ready their arsehole was.

And they were feeling healthier, bit by bit, day by day. They even started looking at jobs. No applications - they weren't quite ready for that yet - but looking was the first step. Thor even helped them tidy up their resume.  
And they realised a majority of what they'd been hunting for when they first moved in had just... fallen into their lap. Quite literally, some evenings. They had a new boyfriend. They had a new home. And, while they were still planning on getting a paid job at some point, Thor kept insisting that, for the time being, their main job was to work on feeling better.  
They certainly were putting more effort into that job than any previous paying position they'd occupied.

For a start, they finally agreed to get a therapist. One that wasn't Thor - one that barely even knew Thor except by reputation and a few work-related meetings. It was difficult opening up about these things again, and they continually sought out reassurance that the things they discussed wouldn't be held against Thor, or the rest of the family. But they got that reassurance. He was a patient man, kind and soft-spoken, and he listened when they explained their queer identity and how that part of their life didn't upset them, but other peoples' reaction to it did. He even made the effort to research and understand queer terminology and gender theory throughout the week, which made Loki... happy? Happy seemed about right.  
They didn't tell him that their relationship was with Thor, or their hangups relating to that specifically. But they talked about feeling unclean, and perverted, and how that was affecting their love and sex life even now that they had someone who was kind and patient and-  
(It struck them mid-sentence that they liked this particular therapist because he kind of reminded them of Thor, but like, older. After a quick assessment of the situation, though, they realised they didn't have a crush on him. Because even with all the same traits, and the similar build, he just... wasn't their brother.)

It was almost entirely foreign to them, being this stable for this long. And it was getting kind of scary, some days - realising they'd been living with Thor for two, nearly three months, and hadn't had a major wobble in weeks? That was almost enough to make them run, or push everything to see where the breaking point was going to be, to do it first before Thor had the opportunity to take it away from them.

But they didn't.  
They didn't.  
And if they weren't so fiercely proud of themself for the hard work they'd been putting in, they'd be tempted to call it a miracle.

\---

It took a while, and some courage before Loki suggested it. But Thor was making it ever easier to just... say things. Without fear of judgement, or disgust.  
And the fact they were painfully hard and he was prolonging the inevitable outcome with a smile that made Loki think _'Maybe he's secretly a sadist?'_ , that had a part to play in their decision to blurt it out.  
"You know, there's something you missed off your list."

Thor pulled back a little to look down at them with slight bemusement.  
"Was there, now?"

"Don't act like you know everything ever," they hissed as Thor bent back down to kiss their neck.

He whispered in their ear, "I didn't intend to. In fact, I'm quite hoping you'll explain. Or better yet, demonstrate."

"Purely for intellectual curiosity, I assume. Nothing to do with getting me off."

"Can't it be both?" he teased, but he pulled back again, knelt between Loki's legs. "Okay. Educate me."

Loki's courage began to waver a little - being looked down on like that was frighteningly vulnerable.  
"Promise you won't laugh? Or be a dick about it?"

Thor's eyebrows knit together in concern. "Why would I laugh?"

"My ex laughed and said it wasn't a real thing."

"Well, if you do it, and it gets you off, then it's a real thing."

"That's what I said!" Loki half yelled, years of pent up indignation exploding at once. They took a deep breath and centered themself, bringing them back into the moment. "Look- just follow my lead, okay? I'll explain as we go."

Thor nodded, and let them lift their legs to pull off their underwear, throwing it to the floor. And he didn't say a word as they leaned over to the bedside table and pulled out a bottle of lube, nor when they squirted some on his hand.  
But when they guided his fingers between their legs, he froze for a second, pulling his hand away.  
"Do you want me to finger you? Because I definitely did put that on the list."

"Yes, but not in my arse."  
Thor looked down at Loki with slight confusion, as if trying to figure out where else they possibly could have that he wasn't seeing.  
"For fuck's sake- just let me guide your fingers. We're not doing anal tonight if that's what's got you worried."

"I'm not _worried_ about anal, I'm just- okay. Show me. I'm gonna stop overthinking."

"Yeah, that's my job," they teased, and the moment he laughed and stopped resisting Loki's guidance, they pulled his fingers down to rest on their balls.  
Wordlessly, they manoeuvred his index finger to push against the spot that they knew felt right - but just before they could get him to press deeper, he pulled back again.

"Won't that hurt you?" he asked, and Loki could feel his fingers shake a little.

"I've been doing it for fucking years, Thor. When I tuck, I'm usually pushing my balls up here. I'm used to the feeling, and I like it." They could feel the irritation in their voice, but it wasn't really directed at Thor. It was at their ex, for putting them off of sharing this with anyone else for years.

But Thor ignored their tone, and pushed gently inside, cautiously testing just how far his finger could go before Loki stopped him, eyes always flicking up to their face to check their reaction in case even a shadow of pain or discomfort fell across their features.  
No such shadow came - only pleasure, only relief.

"This is okay?" he asked as he started to fall into a steady rhythm, one that had Loki gasping with every press inside.

"It's fucking _incredible_ Thor," they whimpered. "I'll do it to you after, if you like."

He hummed a little in thought. "You certainly seem to be enjoying it, so I'm happy to try. Is it just the sensation? Or is it..."

He trailed off, but Loki still knew what he meant. "It's because it means I can pretend I have a cock and a cunt at the same time. It's all I really want. Like, the tits are a fantastic addition, but I'd far sooner prefer to be flat chested forever if it meant I got to replace _these_ fucking things with a pussy, and didn't have to give up my cock for it."

Thor nodded, and leaned in to kiss them, soft and reassuring, his other hand wrapping around Loki's cock and stroking it in time with the fingers inside them.  
He didn't ask any more questions, except to check if they were alright, if he was still doing it right, and then, "are you close?"

They were. They came, clinging to him as if for dear life, whispering his name over and over like a desperate prayer.  
Thor lay beside them, and let Loki recover in silence.  
When they began to come back around, he let them slowly touch him; cock first to get him hard again, lazily through his pants, and unskilled as their motor skills were still in the process of returning to them, but once they were capable of moving properly again, they divested him of his underwear and moved with more precision.

"Do you still want me to show you how it feels?" they asked, licking their lips with nerves. They told themself they'd be able to handle it if Thor said no.

He stayed silent for a second, before nodding once. "I'll safeword if it's uncomfortable, though. Much as you enjoyed it, I'm not sure if my body's going to be used to it."

Loki smiled a little, and squeezed out a bead of lube, rubbing it between their thumb and fingers. "I'll work you up slow."  
And that they did, gently pushing inside, letting Thor hold their wrist and dictate the pace.  
"How's it feel?" they asked, when they were in as far as they could comfortably go.

"Weird. Really, very unusual." His eyes were blown wide, and his breaths came out shallow.

"In a bad way?"

"Not at all. How did you even figure this out?"

Loki rolled their eyes fondly at him, wishing his brain would shut off and just enjoy this, but knowing it wouldn't quite be their Thor if he did. "The internet is a magical place," they explained. "I promise I'll find you all the places I read about it later if you promise to just lie back and enjoy it for the time being?"

"Deal," Thor laughed a little, and whimpered at the slight movement Loki made. He looked down, saw the bump of Loki's finger under his skin, and shivered.  
They continued like this for a little while, but Thor whispered out, "Yellow. Red, actually?"

"Are you alright?" Loki asked, pulling their finger out and resting it on his hip.

"Yeah, I just- I don't think I can come like this. It's too much new and unusual sensation for me to process. I'm sorry, I don't dislike it, I just-"

"No, I get it. I couldn't come the first couple times with it, I just knew I liked how it felt." He bent down, and kissed Thor's hipbone. "Can I- would you be alright if I sucked you off instead?"  
Loki felt Thor's cock twitch the second they said it, and they had to bite back a smile.

"...You don't h-"

"I don't have to. I want to. Do you want me to?"

Thor looked down at them for a few long moments, before nodding. "Please."

They moved quick, before he could change his mind. Their lips parted to take the tip inside, keeping eye contact with him the whole time - that is, until he let out a shuddering moan and threw his head back to sink into the pillow.  
Wrapping their fingers around the first few inches, they swallowed the rest of him, licking the underside in long, slow movements.

Thor whispered out, "it's taking all my strength not to fuck your throat right now."

They pulled off just enough to ask, "Then why don't you just do it? I can take it." And they thought they could, but in truth, they'd never been throatfucked by anyone quite as thick as Thor. Maybe as long, but they were thinner.  
That didn't matter so much to them, though - even if they choked, even if their eyes watered so much their eyeliner ran, even if it hurt for days after, it would be worth it.

Thor caught Loki's eye, and cupped their chin. "Will you tap my leg if it's too much?"

"Yes. Promise."

"Can I come in your mouth?"

"Fuck, please do."

Without another word, he pushed their head down, sinking his cock between their lips and lifting his hips 'til his cock hit the back of their throat.  
It burned, but not in any way they were unused to. But Thor didn't even use all of their throat, not even while fucking their mouth like he promised - his thrusts were shallow enough they could still breathe, and their eyes watered, but didn't run. His grip on their hair was firm, but he didn't pull, didn't yank so hard their scalp ached.  
Frankly, it was the most considerate facefucking they'd ever received. And when he hissed out, "Loki, I'm close- I'm gonna come," he loosened his grip, giving them the option to pull off and change their mind about swallowing. But they didn't want to. They wrapped their fingers back around him and jerked him off as they sucked, and they felt his cock pulse moments before the taste of his come hit their tongue and the sound of him breaking hit their ears.

It was everything they'd ever wanted. They wanted to taste him since they first knew what that meant, they wanted to be used like this for so long that finally getting to taste their success--

They pulled off and crawled up to lie next to Thor, hand on his heaving chest, feeling his heart beat against their fingertips.  
It felt redundant to ask, but they still did. "You okay?"

" _Yes_ ," he breathed out, emphatic as could be in his state. "You're so fucking good, Loki, you're wonderful. I love you. I love you so much."  
Loki grinned, and kissed Thor's cheek, but was quickly pulled in to a full kiss, sucking their bottom lip.

When he let them go, he picked them up, bridal carried them to the bathroom. "C'mon. We're getting cleaned up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to chat, my twitter is [moonxgoddex!](https://twitter.com/moonxgoddex) It's locked for my comfort, but I'm very open to requests :)
> 
> You are welcome to make podfic, write fic based on this fic, or create fanart based on it! I would appreciate credit and a link back, but it's alright if you forget, so long as you're not withholding credit for your own personal gain/replicating my work for profit.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey," Thor began one evening, in the way he always did when he had a specific topic in mind but wanted to pretend to ease into it first.

"What is it?" Loki asked, not in the mood to suffer his tangents.

"I've been thinking-"

"Dangerous, did you grease up those rusty cogs before engaging the machinery?" They bit their tongue after it left their mouth, but that wasn't much use. It was a reflex they'd have to work on.

Thor fixed them with a stare, and waited a beat. "Loki, I have a PhD. And I think you might like what I've been thinking about. But, of course, if you're really not interested, I can easily just keep it to myself."

"Fine" they rolled their eyes, a slight smile on their lips, "tell me now."

"Thought so. Well. We've been a... Thing? For what, four months now?" He held up four fingers, waved them kind of questioningly.

"About that," Loki nodded.

"And yet we've not been on a date. I mean, we've had quiet movie nights, but that's not the same. And I'd rather like to rectify that, if you're okay with it."

It was Loki's turn to stare, now.  
"Thor, if we got caught on a _date_ , it wouldn't exactly end well."

Thor smiled a little. "If it was obvious it was a date, yeah, sure - holding hands in public and gazing lovingly into each others' eyes probably would get us looks if they knew we were siblings. But I can still take you out. It's not illegal or immoral to go out and have a nice evening with your sibling. We could eat dinner, that's definitely allowed. Or go see a movie. Maybe a picnic? Coffee somewhere nice? Art gallery? Wine and painting? Comedy club? Speedboating? Skydiving? Breaking into a museum-"

"Stop. I get it, it doesn't have to look like a date to be a date," they cut him off, because the fact he'd thought of so many sweet date ideas before veering into outlandish territory was making their face heat. "I've not really been on a lot of dates, so, y'know. You pick. I'll do whatever."

Thor grinned a bit, and nodded. "Alright! Friday night, then?"

Loki couldn't help but smile back.

So Friday came, and all Thor had told them about it was that they should go out and buy themself an outfit that was nice and comfortable, not too dressy, but a bit special.  
They had gone out on Wednesday, and spent nearly the whole day trying on different outfits, hoping nobody would say anything about half of their choices being womens' clothes. Luckily, all they got was a single brief confused look from one fitting room attendant who elected to keep her mouth shut.

But now, an hour before they were due to go out, they were locked away in the spare room they initially stayed in, brushing down their dress in the mirror, and trying to quash their doubts about how they looked in it. They knew they looked _good_ , that wasn't the issue at all.

Thor knocked on their door mid-deliberation, though, startling them from their concerns.  
"Holy _fuck_ , Loki, you look beautiful."

'Beautiful' wasn't a compliment they were used to getting. Their cheeks felt hot, and they turned back to the mirror to pin their hair up, effectively hiding their face.  
"It's not too much? Not too obvious we're dating?" they asked, voicing their concerns.

"If anyone assumes we're a couple, we can either laugh and 'correct' them, or we can laugh and 'go along with it', depending on if they know us or not, yeah?"  
He rested his hand on their hip, and pressed a kiss to the back of their neck. Shivers ran down their spine.

They took a deep breath, and calmed themself. They refused to get too hot and bothered in this dress. It would be hellish to clean, and there'd be no hope of drying it out in time before they left.

So they continued getting ready, and things were going okay, up until they weren't.  
It was about ten minutes before they planned to leave, and Thor noticed something wasn't right before Loki did. With a gentle hand on their arm, he said, "you've got that look on your face like you're overthinking something but you don't know quite what it is yet."

And they scowled at him, because he was exactly right.

"Come on," he soothed, guiding them to the couch, looking far too dashing in his waistcoat to be doing impromptu brainwork. "Are you freaked out about the date?"

"No?" Loki reflexively defended, before realising that was a lie. "Yes. I don't get it though. I've been on dates before. Like, not a ton of them, but I didn't feel like... gut-churning dread any time before."

"Dread's a strong word."

"Well, it's a strong feeling."

"Okay." Thor kept rubbing gentle circles into Loki's bicep as he spoke. "So what's different about this date, compared to the others?"

Loki barked out an incredulous laugh. "You're my brother!"

"Yes. And?"

"And--"  
Realisation hit them like a truck.  
"And, it _matters_. Before, if it didn't work out, y'know, whatever. But if this goes bad, I lose the relationship I've been building with you _and_ it gets weird familywise. And you might kick me out and life will suck again. And what if I've got this all wrong and I don't actually want a relationship with you, what if I just wanted to be closer siblings with you and I got everything confused and tried to fix my emotions with sex again because I always do that?"

They didn't realise they were hyperventilating until Thor squeezed them tight to his chest and they suddenly felt safe, and they didn't realise they felt unsafe before but obviously they did, as they'd just blurted out some high-level vulnerability without even thinking.

"Oh, Loki," Thor soothed, petting their hair, and they found themself vaguely annoyed by it because they put a lot of effort into making it sit nice, but it also felt too nice to stop him.

"Don't 'oh, Loki' me, I'm serious." Their breaths were slower, and they spoke at a steadier pace. "What if I'm just being stupid and I've ruined everything. Do you really think we can go back to being normal siblings after this?"

"I mean, if you wanted to, I'd be upset, but I'd still try my hardest to be a good brother to you. Because I love you, regardless of sexual, and romantic attraction. I loved you as your brother before any of that, and I'll love you as your brother even if that all fades away. So how about we test this out? And, y'know, if you do love me as your brother, and you do want to fuck me, but there's no romantic spark, that's alright too. I might- I'll definitely have some feelings if you want to date other people while fucking me, but we'll burn that bridge when we get to it. _If_ we get to it."

Loki pulled back, and looked at Thor, realising their fond exasperation was written all over their face, but they didn't even try to mask it.  
And their heart ached at the mere thought of dating anyone else.  
(With past partners, they'd always seen things as temporary. Always known that if something better came along, they'd drop who they were with in a heartbeat and mostly wouldn't even feel bad about it. They couldn't picture that with Thor. They couldn't picture anyone better.)  
(Maybe they did love him.)

Thor derailed their train of thought, asking, "So. Do you still want to go out? Or would you prefer to stay in and do something else?"

He didn't even sound irritated about the delay, or at the prospect of changing plans.  
"I want to go out. Give me two seconds, though, I have to check my make-up," because, they had teared up a little bit, and they didn't know if they could trust their setting spray.

When they did leave, only 15 minutes behind schedule, Thor revealed in the car that he had actually factored in time for a panic attack, or a last-minute outfit change - so they were actually ahead of schedule.  
Loki rolled their eyes, but Thor knowing them that well, and planning around their crazy, made their heart hurt again.

The drive was pleasant, and not too long once they get out of the neighbourhood. Thor suggested parking a little while away from the restaurant and walking there through a park, taking their time so they didn't have to wait too long for their table. Loki still didn't know what restaurant they were going to, but if it was nice enough that Thor needed to book several days in advance, they were already impressed - but they agreed, as it was a fairly pleasant evening, and there were still a couple small shops open on the way.

Thor caught them peeking in the window of a tiny art supply shop, and leant in, asking, "Hey, you used to do art; you still into it?"

"I, uh- I've not really had time? And I kinda left a bunch of my stuff at my old flat. Not the last boyfriend, but the last girlfriend before him. Had to escape pretty sharpish, and I was NOT welcome back in her house after I stole money off of her. Like, to be fair, I had just learned she was cheating on me. Or, y'know, she was cheating on her other partner with me, without telling me, since her girlfriend came before I did. So. No. No art lately."  
They didn't mention the fact they'd been avoiding doing art for maybe two years before through a combination of self doubt and depression-based lethargy. Whenever they did have a frantic burst of energy, it was never the type they could channel into making art.

Thor shot Loki a quick look that they were pretty sure translated to, 'I'm not judging you, but your life is fucking wild,' then nodded, shrugged. And he asked, "Do you want me to buy you some stuff? Might be nice for you to get back into it. I mean, if nothing else, it's therapeutic."

They knew if this was anyone else, they would be saying, 'If you're sure,' and smiling coyly, and pretending this wasn't the outcome they'd planned on all along.  
Instead, they found themself saying, "I can't ask you to do that. Art supplies are expensive."  
(And they found themself wondering who the fuck was speaking through their mouth. Thor had money. He had plenty.)

"Well, you're not asking," Thor smiled. "I'm offering. So what do you use? I know your older stuff was mostly like, pencils, pens, and paints-", and Loki's heart clenched realising Thor _had_ paid attention to them back then, "-but, y'know, I can get you whatever you like."

They chewed their bottom lip, pondering. "Well..." They deliberated, not wanting to buy too much and deal with the pressure of expectation, with Thor asking how they'd been getting on.  
Then they saw the adult colouring books. "Could I maybe grab some watercolour pencils and a colouring book? Just to ease myself back into things?"

Thor beamed. "What kind would you like?" he asked, practically bouncing on his tiptoes. "There's a Hallowe'en themed one there - I know you like spooky shit. But there's plenty others, if you'd-"

"I'd love that one."  
They really would.

They selected a mid-range set of pencils, as well, and let Thor pay.  
And they left the shop... Happy? Content? Not feeling like they'd pulled off a golddigger heist?

  
When they arrived at the restaurant, Loki realised they were tense until they were seated. But the waitress didn't make any comments, either about Loki's appearance, or about them dining together.  
It was... easy. Thor made some recommendations, and while they couldn't hold hands, or be too obviously affectionate, it was more pleasant than they'd expected.  
Possibly because, they realised, this date wasn't effectively an interview. They already had Thor. They weren't banking on it going well for the sake of getting laid, because they knew Thor was willing, even if he was taking it slow. They weren't wondering if they'd have to pay for it, because they had nothing. They weren't pretending to be someone they weren't, because Thor knew exactly who Loki was.

Around the time they'd finished their starters, Loki was struck with the realisation that this was already the best date they'd ever been on. Perhaps not the most extravagant, or the most thrilling - but those dates had been with people they'd... really never wanted to see again.  
Rude as it may have appeared to outsiders, they picked up their phone and quickly texted Thor that sentiment.

Thor checked his phone under the table, smiled, and replied, 'I can honestly say the same. You look absolutely beautiful, you know. I've not seen you smile like this in years. It suits you.'

Maybe the flush that crept over their cheeks and the grin they couldn't quite bite back gave away that this wasn't simply siblings enjoying time together, but frankly, they didn't see anyone they recognised, and Thor didn't seem to either. So what did it matter?  
They let themself be happy.

  
And when it was time to pay, and the waitress laid the bill in front of Thor and smiled kindly at them both, clearly (correctly) assuming this was a romantic outing, they noticed they weren't even nervous any more. They didn't feel like they were doing anything wrong.  
In retrospect, that was perhaps the point where they decided how the evening was going to go.

  
As they returned, pulling up to the house, Loki asked, "Hey. Are you super tired?"

Thor shrugged a little. "Not really? Why?"

"Can... Can we do something?" They picked a little at the skin around their thumbnail.

"What do you have in mind?" He asked, unbuckling his seatbelt, but making no move to leave the car.

"I kind of- I've been thinking."

"Dangerous," he smirked, and Loki rolled their eyes at him recycling their joke.

"Fuck off. Listen." They took in a deep breath, and blurted it out before they could chicken out. "Do you want to fuck me?"

"...Are you up to that?"

"Very yes. I just- okay. I have this fantasy. And you can say no. But, y'know, you are bringing your date home after a lovely evening out, so it makes sense, doesn't it?" Loki licked their lips and smirked at him.

"Well, I didn't want to presume, of course," he replied, feigning a gentlemanly act that made Loki want to punch him and kiss him in equal measure.

"Stop that. Look. I want you, as soon as we get inside and lock the door behind us, to pick me up and carry me to your office. And when we get there, I want you to lay me on your desk and fuck me so hard I ache. I want you to just use me. But I also want you to call my name and- and call me 'brother', still, okay? And you can come in me. I want to be full of you. I want to make a mess of where you work. I want you to be thinking about it the next time you have clients in there, paying you good money, and I want you to remember that they paid for the date that got you laid."

Thor stared at them, and for a moment they were worried they went too far.  
Then he spoke.  
" _Fuck_ , Loki, you've got the dirtiest mouth I've ever had the pleasure of kissing."

"Is that a yes?"

"That's so much of a yes I'm having to take a moment to compose myself so I actually have a chance of getting you to the desk instead of fucking you on the hallway floor, or the sofa, or right there in the passenger seat."

Loki licked their lips, and opened the car door, taking long strides towards the front door without looking back, only knowing Thor was following from the sounds of the car door slamming, locking, Thor's quick and heavy footfalls as Loki fumbled with the house keys. The feel of his hand on their lower back, practically pushing them through when it opened.  
And then their back was shoved against it, clicking it closed, Thor tipping Loki's chin up to kiss them with one hand, locking the door securely before he bodily lifted them up, forcing them to wrap their legs around his waist.

It was like they were weightless, the ease he carried them with - he held their arse with his left hand and opened doors with his right, somehow managing to never once break the kiss until he rested them down upon the desk they'd fantasised so much about.  
"You're all mine, Loki, you understand that?"

It wasn't like they weren't aware of the fact Thor wanted them, but having him breathe it out like that, all possessive- well.  
It looked like their dress was going to get ruined tonight, after all.  
"I'm yours. Let me prove it."

Thor's grin was predatory in a way they'd never seen on his face before, desperately hungry, and the way he stole his next kiss took Loki's breath along with it.  
And he moved faster than he ever had before with them - shoving their dress up around their waist, pressing the flat of his palm across the soft material of their underwear, where it was stretching to accommodate their filling cock (and they thanked every last deity they could remember that they elected to chance not tucking like this, hoping the cut of the dress would render it unnecessary - it had, and that was so, so worth it for _this_ ).  
"You want me?" he asked with a smile against their lips, and they knew he wasn't asking because he didn't know - he was asking because he wanted to hear it.

"I want you," they obliged, because it was true. "I want you inside of me." They paused a moment, before asking - begging, "please, Thor. I need it."

He growled, and lifted Loki off the desk enough to yank their underwear down so hard they heard a couple stitches tear. They couldn't bring themselves to give a fuck about the damage - it was Thor's money that paid for them, after all, so if he wanted to tear them, he could go right ahead for all they cared.  
Thor knelt between their thighs, and licked a wet stripe from the base of Loki's cock to the tip, sending a shudder down their spine. They grabbed his hair, hissing out, "Fuck, Thor, that's good, but you know it's not what I'm asking for."

"I know it isn't," he whispered, just barely loud enough for Loki to hear.  
He pulled back and made a show of sucking his fingers, getting them nice and wet before reaching back, rubbing around their hole tentatively without pressing - just stretching a little, teasing.

"You have lube in here, right?" Loki asked, remembering what he'd told them before.

He nodded, smiling a little. "It's possibly bad form to use it when it's designated for demonstration purposes, but it's hardly like they'll know, right?"

"No, they won't. But you will. I hope you're thinking about what you did with me next time you have to be professional."

"Oh, I will be." Thor's smile broke into a cheeky grin, before he slid the drawer open and pulled out the bottle, squeezing a bead onto the fingers he'd been using. "I'll be thinking of how I pressed my fingers into my brother's tight arse," he promised, seconds before pushing his first finger inside, pulling a gasp from Loki who wasn't expecting him to move so quickly. "Thinking about how tight they are inside. Thinking about how I felt, wondering if they could take it." He stood up to kiss their neck as he worked his way inside, painstakingly slow.

Loki's cock throbbed at Thor so effortlessly blending calling them brother, and still referring to them as 'they'. Being respected while they were getting fucked? Unheard of.  
And knowing Thor wasn't pretending this was anyone else, knowing he still considered them to be his brother, even as he did this? It was more than they'd ever let themself dream about.  
"I can take it," they breathed out, moving their hips forward so Thor's fingers could push in deeper.

"Thinking about their dirty promises." He pushed another in to punctuate the end of his sentence, and fuck, Loki couldn't help but let out a cry.

"I'll promise you anything, so long as you _fuck me_ ," and it was practically begging, much as their tone implied impatience.

"I will. You just have to let your big brother take care of you, and do this slowly. Carefully."

Loki would have happily done just that, just laid back and let things go slow, if Thor didn't keep talking like that. Surely he knew he was making them desperate?  
Of course he knew. They should have known there was some sneaky sadistic streak in him - he was their brother, after all.  
So they did as they were told, knowing that if they were the one giving the orders here, they'd go slower if he protested. And they'd go faster to try and provoke a reaction if he managed to keep quiet.

Clearly, they knew Thor well. The quieter they kept, the more pliant they were, the more he gave them exactly what they wanted, spreading them, curling his fingers to try and pull gasps from their throat. Successfully so.

And so, Thor broke first.  
Resting his forehead against theirs, he growled, "you better be ready, brother, because I need to be inside you _now_."

"Fuck, yes, fill me up. Fill me," they begged, half out of genuine desperate need, half out of playing this game, this role that they knew would get them fucked just as hard as they needed, and spread their legs wider, hooked their ankles around the small of Thor's back, pulling him even closer.

He didn't look down as he lined himself up - moved all with a practised touch that made Loki's heart ache with jealousy, but as he pressed inside they realised two things in rapid succession;  
One, that they would never, ever again let anyone else but them have his cock, and they would go to extreme lengths to keep it that way.  
And two, that this was really happening. All the years of wanting and longing and crying and self-destructing because they never thought they'd have _this_ , never thought they'd be worthy of it, never thought Thor would even know about it, nor entertain it if he did somehow find out-  
But he pushed forward, and slid inside, and while the ache and burn of it was familiar to them, the feeling of sheer relief that washed over them was new. And it was intense - they felt dizzy from it, clutching Thor as close to them as they could manage.

Thor had stopped as soon as he was fully seated inside them, letting out a heavy sigh, but his voice was soft, far softer than before when he asked Loki, "are you okay?"  
They nodded, but Thor clearly didn't want to take their word for it, and pulled his torso out of their vice grip just enough to cup their face and tilt it up so he could see it.  
"Are you crying?" he asked, all hunger gone and replaced with concern.

"No!" they lied, wrestling against his grasp, but it wasn't much use, as a fat, traitorous tear rolled down their cheek at that moment. "I'm not upset, don't stop," they backpedalled, digging their nails into his shoulders. "It's just- look, I'm fine, this doesn't normally- I promise I'm happy. I want this. I want you. Please don't stop."

Thor smiled and they kind of wanted to punch him for it, but that would definitely ruin the mood, if they hadn't done that already.  
"Are you overwhelmed? Because we can stop the dirty talk and everything if it's too much."

"Oh, absolutely the fuck not," Loki balked. "If you stop that I'm going to fucking murder you."

"Then what is it?"

Loki swallowed back what threatened to be a sob, and took a second to think, which was pretty difficult when they were still adjusting to having their brother's cock up their arse.  
"I think overwhelmed might cover it, but not because of the dirty talk or whatever. Just- yeah. I didn't think I'd ever get this, so- now I have it, it's really hitting me. It's- yeah. It's a happy cry, I think. And a bit of a sad cry that we could've had this all along. But mostly happy."

Thor kissed their cheek and they realised he was kissing their tears and, while kind of gross, was also sort of romantic, maybe? They weren't entirely sure because nobody had done that to them before.  
"You're sure you're okay to keep going now, then? Because we can take five and keep going when you're a bit more stable, if you'd like."

"Waiting on me being stable is gonna take more than five minutes, generally, Thor, I think you know that. We might as well keep going."

He laughed, and kissed Loki, firm and confident, and they squeezed him tight.  
"Okay," was all he said before he pulled back, torturously slowly, all the way 'til the only part of him left inside was the head of his cock, and Loki caught him looking down between them, saw him take in a shuddering breath.  
"We look so good together, Loki. You're all mine, you know? And I'm all yours."

They nodded, digging their nails into his bicep.  
" _Mine_ ," they gasped out, like speaking some great secret. Which it was, they supposed.

The size of Thor was... difficult to adjust to, entirely, but that was because everything Loki had had inside of them that was as big was inanimate, powered only by their own hand, and thus would only move as slowly as they could manage. Thor, on the other hand, was fully sentient, despite their regular assertions to the contrary, and the speed and friction he was chasing in his shallow thrusts was wearing Loki's ability to cope down bit by bit. Stubbornly, though, they refused to tap out - while it wasn't the best they'd ever had, it still was all they'd ever wanted, and they knew they'd take it being imperfect if it meant that barrier came down between them and they could continue to improve from there.

At least, that was what they had reasoned with themself before Thor adjusted the angle a bit, bringing their arse flush against his hips, and pressed in against their prostate.  
"There," they cried out, having to let go of Thor's neck to steady themself on the desk, "Fuck, right there, keep- keep doing that, fuck above."

They didn't need to open their eyes to know Thor was grinning as he pulled back just enough to tease them, before pressing back in and picking up the pace, sending electric shivers through them with each thrust, completely undoing their previous line of thought. They weren't even sure they could remember the logic of it. Something weirdly optimistic? Whatever. It didn't matter. All they knew for right now was absolute pleasure, discomfort fading by the second.

"You look so perfect when you're this full of me. You were built to take me, you know that?" Thor told them, and they believed it. This was it - this was their purpose in life.  
Apparently they'd said that aloud because Thor laughed and answered, "oh, Loki. You can be anything you want, you can _do_ anything you want - but you're always going to come home and be ready for me, aren't you?"

"Yes, sir," dropped out of their mouth before they had a chance to think it through, but even after, they struggled to regret it, especially as Thor growled and pinned them flat on their back against the desk in response.

"My beautiful brother. I'm going to come inside you, and claim you. Mark you as mine for good. Maybe if you're good, I'll get you something else to prove it. What would you want? A necklace? A collar? A ring? I'll buy you anything you want if it reminds you how much I love you, Loki."

"A collar," they blurted out without having to think. "You can get subtle ones that don't look like- they look like regular jewellery, but they've got tiny locks."

"I think I know the kind. After this, you can show me, okay?"

Loki nods, and maybe somewhere distantly they were aware of how different this was from previous rich men they'd let fuck them - all Thor's promises of expensive things came while he was getting what he wanted, not before, not as a tactic to get Loki there.  
But that was a very distant thought, and more pressing was the matter of wriggling their hand between the two of them to get a consistent friction around their cock - barely moving their wrist, letting Thor do all the moving for them, but keeping that grip.

It didn't take long after that to tip them over, and Thor kissed their neck and whispered soothing promises that they'd be okay against their skin as they cried out, kept fucking them and kept holding them and kept reassuring them 'til their muscles untensed and the last drop of cum coated their stomach.  
They felt a bead of it drip down onto the desk, and even in their blissed out state, felt a small pang of smugness that Thor would have to wipe this down before he next saw a client.

Thor asked, as Loki was beginning to come back down to Earth, "Can I keep going? Are you okay?"  
He didn't stop as he asked, his hips still moving and his breath hitching mid-question, but he still asked.

"Of course. You promised you were going to fill me up, didn't you?"

The only response Loki got to that was a possessive growl, and a renewed speed and sense of urgency in Thor's movements. His cock pulsed so hard Loki felt it, and they thought that was it, that he was done, but no - he continued, moving Loki's body and repositioning it to best chase his own orgasm, and it felt utterly fucking filthy. It was being used, undoubtedly, and the overstimulation was getting close to being painful, but Loki wanted that.  
And they wanted to be used so hard it hurt later. They _wanted_ Thor to come, they _wanted_ to be filled, and they wanted to actually stay afterwards. To go up to their bed. To lay together, to kiss, to clean each other up, to talk.  
They urged Thor on, begging, "Come on, Thor, I need it. I need to know what it feels like to be all full of you. I need to know how much my body can take. You'll stay inside after, won't you? I don't want to waste a drop. I want it all. I need it all. I've been thinking about this since I was 14, you have to give me it, Thor, you have to-"

And they felt Thor's cock throb again, this time far harder, and they knew before their brother choked out their name that he was coming, could feel the heat of his come, and if they hadn't already finished themself, that probably would have done the trick.  
It felt right. It felt dirty. It felt like being complete. They buried their fingers into Thor's hair and pulled, scrunching their eyes shut to savour the feeling, though they knew they'd get to feel it again and again and again. But this one was important - this was the first one. They wanted the experience tattooed on their soul.  
So much so that they didn't even try and shove the lead weight of Thor off of them until they realised they couldn't breathe any more.

He lifted off quick enough, looking down at them with a look of affection that made up for the accidental suffocation pretty much immediately.  
"I love you," he told them, leaning in to kiss their cheek, their neck, their nose, and made no effort to pull out. "I love you so much. Are you alright?"

"I don't think you really need to ask that, Thor. I came, and if it weren't for the unfortunate restrictions placed upon mortal bodies, I'd happily do it again immediately."

Thor laughed, and slowly rose to his feet, pulling out easier as his cock softened, stowing it back away in his boxers and fastening his pants back up, wincing only a little at the feeling of fabric against raw skin.  
Then, show off that he is, Thor effortlessly picked Loki up from the desk.

"You know, you don't have to impress me, Thor, I've already fucked you."

"I don't have to. But I still want to."

"Loser. You don't impress me one bit."

"Mm. Don't believe you. But I know the more I don't believe you, the more you'll stick to your guns about it."

They rolled their eyes, because he was right, and they hated it, but if they stuck to their guns now it would only prove him more right. And they couldn't have that.  
"Whatever."

\---

Loki was right in a few ways - having penetrative sex with Thor didn't make their mental state any worse, and they were definitely ready for it. And Thor conceded that much.  
But it also didn't completely fix what issues remained in their clusterfuck of a brain.

It didn't stop them getting consumed with seemingly inescapable terror that they were a bad person (or at least, a bad person in ways they weren't already acutely aware of); that they'd somehow tricked Thor into this whole thing; that people would find out about the two of them and tear them apart, calling them all manner of horrible things.  
But, Loki was adamant, that these terrors weren't a product of their relationship developing the way it had. They were just... remnants of all the previous messes they were still trying to clean up. Fears that had been embedded in their brain for at least a decade, if not longer.

Thor was patient, and gentle, as he always was these days. Soothed Loki through every evening of tears, or catatonia, kissed their fingers, their wrists, their shoulders, their cheeks - anywhere he could reach, anything to see light in their eyes again.

He waited until they were on a better streak before asking whether Loki was up to combating their triggers.

"What ones?" they asked, narrowing their eyes a little, and curling up on the couch to hug their knees, toes tucked under Thor's thigh.

"Well... You had quite a strong adverse reaction to choking, when it was on the sheet. Can I talk further about that?"  
He had his professional voice on. Loki wondered if he'd slyly trained them to have a Pavlovian response to that tone, because their heart skipped a beat and their cock stirred with completely currently unwanted interest, considering the topic Thor was proposing.  
(Actually, they realised, they probably trained that response into themself. They knew then that they'd never admit to it, not even under oath.)

"I suppose you can."

"Okay," Thor breathed out, looking down at his hands instead of at Loki. "Well, from what I gather from what you've said, this is a trigger that's rooted in trauma. Is that about right?" He looked up then, as he asked, brow furrowed a little, and they didn't know what to make of that.

Loki nodded, once.

"And when you think about it, it can cause you to feel panicky? Dissociated? Like you're reliving the traumatic event?"

"Do you have a tickbox for 'all of the above'?" they deadpanned, trying to calm their breathing to a normal and not obviously panicky level.

"No tickboxes this time," Thor smiled slightly. "Before I push any further with this, have you talked to your actual therapist about what happened to you?"

Loki looked down at their jeans and found an utterly fascinating hole in them that they began to pick at.  
Apparently their panic won out over this Pavlovian response, because absolutely none of the interest they'd had less than a minute prior remained.  
"We've, uh. We've focused on some other, more recent events. And, I guess, some that happened before the- the thing. So, erm. Like, the person involved has come up? We talked- we- I mentioned that some of my earliest relationships were... Not exactly exemplary."

"So you've avoided talking about the traumatic thing with him." It wasn't an accusation, but they still felt put on the spot.

"Less like I've avoided it. More like he hasn't asked anything that's naturally led into, y'know, 'one of my exes choked me out and- and-'"  
Thor's hand covered theirs before their whole chest could seize up in a panic. They linked fingers with him and squeezed.  
"Are you trying to tell me to talk to him instead of you?"

"I'm suggesting he's probably in a better position to help you than I am. Because you can leave his office and not go back for a week - if I'm here, and I make a misstep in helping you, or we're doing the right things for you but you need space to process... Well, you live here. And I don't want to turn here into another trigger."

Loki kept their mouth shut for a while, just squeezing again. And Thor, to his credit, held the space for Loki to remain silent as they thought, even though they knew they really had to say _something_ eventually.  
When it finally came to them, all they said was, "I'm really very tired of it fucking me up this bad."

"Alright."

"So... Yeah. I'll mention it. And say I want to work on it. And see what he says. Is that- yeah."

Thor smiled at them, and kissed the crown of their head, petting their hair gently.

  
Their therapist was very accommodating, of course. The first time Loki told him the full story, it took a majority of the session, because they had to focus on their breathing to prevent a full-blown panic before continuing. He offered to let them stop and continue next time, if that was preferable for them, but they shook their head, determined. If they stopped now, they'd never start again. They'd talk themself out of it before the next week. They knew themself well enough.

Frustratingly, working on moving past it was slow, and took up most of their time in sessions, making it difficult to focus on literally any other area.  
They actually felt worse, at first. Like this heavy thing was weighing them down, and when they looked in the mirror, they just looked tired. It was hard to see the Loki they had been, before. They had been the life of the party. They always had something snappy to say. They were polite, but they stirred shit like it was a part time job. They were a whirlwind of chaos and fun and constant new experiences.  
But now, they wondered what was left of that.  
And what they wanted to keep of that.  
Because the whole persona, that was a great defense mechanism. If they drank and told great and wild stories, they'd have people around them without having to let any of them get too close. As long as they were entertainment, they didn't have to be a real person. They didn't have to deal with any of the things that kept them up at night. And if people knew in advance they were messy, then they couldn't act surprised when Loki didn't change for them, didn't stop and think about whether their actions would hurt anyone else. There was a giant 'toxic' label on their cheek, and anyone who ignored it, well, serves them right for not paying attention to something so clearly marked.

But they did miss people. They missed that, because it _was_ fun, even if they didn't have the energy for it lately.  
And maybe they were done with the consistent carousel of old friends hating them and new friends falling in love with them. They thought, perhaps, it would be novel and interesting to actually _keep_ a set of people, for a change.

  
They spoke up one evening, when neither Thor nor they were really paying attention to the TV, both playing on their phones instead.  
"I, um. I've been speaking. About the shit that happened. The trauma shit."

Thor locked his phone immediately. Loki didn't.  
"How's it been going?"

"Well. I've kind of had a realisation. And it's not a fun or pretty one."

They felt Thor tense slightly, but his voice came out level when he asked, "do you want to share it with me?"

"If you're not gonna make a big deal about it, yeah. I just kinda need to say it out loud to someone else before I say it in therapy, y'know?"

"Of course. Talk away and I won't say anything unless I'm prompted to."

"Perfect."  
They took in a deep breath, and matched a row of purple bubbles that popped out of existence on their screen before locking it and burying it down the side of the cushions.  
"So, um. We talked about the guy I dated that did the worst shit. And, um. Basically, I think I went with him even though he was a blatant arsehole because- uh. Well, home life wasn't great. And even he was an escape from what Odin was like, at first. Like, he was kind of fun to start with, he wasn't a bastard from the get-go, I'm not that stupid. Or, I wasn't at the time, at least. But, he kept putting me down, and treating me shit, and the- the worst things that happened were just the end of a lot of, y'know, dragging my self esteem down through the core of the Earth 'cause, like, it was already pretty fuckin' low.  
"Then, um, he broke up with me after he did some truly heinous shit to me. And this was after I got kicked out of home, and I was living with him. So, I'd gotten rejected by dad. Then I got rejected by my first boyfriend, even after I just took whatever he threw at me. So since then I kept throwing myself into shitty situation after shitty situation, not thinking I deserved any better. And... yeah. It's just been... All shit. But also, fuck both of them for making me think I wasn't worth treating with even a shred of respect? And I'm sick of shit that happened all that way back still hurting me. And moulding who I am, after all this time."  
They took in a deep breath, paused a moment to gather themself.  
"I think I want to rewrite my story. And start fresh. So. That's where I'm at."

Thor squeezed them into a tight hug, and quietly whispered, "I'm proud of you, Loki."

And they welled up, blinking the tears back at first, before remembering that it was old Loki that didn't like to show emotion. They didn't know if new Loki did yet.  
But they knew that no matter what version of Loki they were, those words Thor repeated against the shell of their ear were all they really wanted to hear.

\---

Thor kept his word, and didn't say anything about what Loki had told him.  
But they overheard him on the phone the next day. Kept still, kept silent as soon as they heard their own name, and Thor's slightly raised voice coming from his office.

"You _told_ me, and mum, that Loki had stormed out while we were gone. No, you did, because I remember her calling th- calling him up repeatedly, trying to get him to come _home_. He was only 16! You had no idea where he was going to go!"  
There was a beat of silence that went on too long for it to simply be Odin's response, knowing he was a man of few words. When it was finally broken, Thor's voice came out like he was trying to keep his temper, but failing.  
"It _was_ your problem, Odin. It absolutely was. Just because he was an adult legally didn't mean he was in any fit state to look after himself. Did you even care what happened to him after that? Did you give a fucking damn?"

And after the response Loki didn't hear from Odin, Thor's restraint clearly snapped, because there was a clatter that made Loki jump, and the harsh, unmistakable thud of a wall being punched.

"Don't _fucking_ lie to me. If you _cared_ , you wouldn't have put him through everything you did.  
"No, I'm not being 'taken in' by his stories, do you fucking forget I lived with both of you? I saw how much of a dick you were being at the time, and I know how much of a dick you are _every_ Winter still. And yet, he still comes, most of the time! Do you know how lucky you are he hasn't just fucked off to another continent to get away from you?"

The silence went on longer again this time, and Thor's voice dipped so low, in a dangerous growl that Loki couldn't make out properly. When his voice finally rose again back to an audible pitch, it was a simple sentence, delivered calm as Loki had heard him all conversation.  
"Alright. I'll let Frigga know about this conversation, and tell her why neither of her sons will be visiting for the holidays this year. No, don't try that now, you had your chance to be reasonable just there, and you blew that. You always taught me that actions have consequences, and maybe it's time you learn that lesson for yourself."  
Then nothing.

Loki sneaked back to the living room and curled up on the couch, pretending they hadn't heard a thing, scrolling through their phone without reading any of it.

Thor came through after around ten minutes, expression as neutral as he could clearly manage. It probably wouldn't have fooled Loki even if they hadn't heard what he'd said.  
Sitting beside them, he lay his head down on their lap and breathed out, "Hey, Lo."

"Hey, Thor. You okay?"

"Er. Not especially."

They ran their fingers through his hair, gently untangling the hair tie from it. "You spoke to dad."

"...you heard."

"Not all of it. And only your side. Feels like maybe your side was the only side worth listening to, though."

Thor nodded, and rubbed the heel of his hand over his good eye.  
"You never told me he kicked you out. And when I asked why he didn't tell us he'd kicked you out, he tried to say he never said that, he always told me and mum that you- that he told you to go. And when I held my ground he tried another few lies before- yeah."  
He kissed Loki's thigh, and whispered, "I'm sorry I yelled. And- yeah."

"Are your knuckles okay?" they asked, running a thumb over them and feeling without looking that they definitely weren't.

"I'll get some ice on them. Are you okay?"

"Well, I'm not mad at you for yelling. Or upset, or whatever. But it's not nice being reminded he's still a complete cock."

"To say the least."

They both sat in silence for a little while longer, before Thor broke it.  
"I better call Frigga. I said I would. And if I don't follow through with my threat, he'll think he can get away with it."

"He already does. But you don't have to, if-"

"No, I do. For me, at least. Unless it'll upset you."

They paused a moment, hand stilling from petting Thor to think.  
"I think I'd like to hear her voice. I've not called in a while. As long as we can ask her not to completely blow up at him. I don't think it's worth his attitude."

Thor nodded decisively, and pulled out his phone without getting up off Loki's lap.

To say she was livid would be an understatement. But she listened to Loki when they asked her not to force him to apologise, understood their reasoning that they'd rather not get a fake apology from him because she told him to.

Still. A letter arrived a little later that month, slightly thicker than the average letter, and hand addressed to Loki in a script they recognised well.

"Should I open it?" they asked Thor, squeezing it to feel if it was anything except paper.

"That's your decision, Loki. You did say you didn't want a fake apology from him. So, would it piss you off more to read it and find out it was fake, or would it stress you out if you found out it was genuine?"

"I think now it's here, there's stress and being pissed off regardless. Knowing means I have a concrete thing to be stressed or pissed about. Not knowing means it could be literally anything, so my imagination's gonna run wild with it."

Thor wrapped his fingers around Loki's bony wrist.  
"It sounds like you've made your decision, then. Wanna do it now?"

"Might as well. It's gonna ruin the rest of my day either way."  
They shook their arm free, and slipped their fingernail under the edge of the seal, ripping it open without much care for the envelope.  
It was a solid 8 sheets, printed only on one side as the ink Odin had used bled through to the other side. Loki perched on the stool by the kitchen island, and skimmed through, leg bouncing frantically.

Thor leaned across from them in silence, waiting for them to say anything. Skimming turned to actual reading, and reading turned to rereading, until the very last page.  
Whereupon Loki sucked in a deep breath and removed a paperclip, which had a cheque on it.

"He sent you money?" Thor asked, incredulous.

"He sent me eight grand."  
Thor said nothing. Bit his lip, and watched Loki.  
"I don't know how to feel about that."

"Does it affect what he said in the letter?"

"Kind of?" Loki's forehead lined with confusion. "He apologised, obviously, and it was okay. It sounded kind of fake, but there were bits where he sounded like, y'know, it wasn't Frigga making him write it. It actually sounded kind of like him. Especially when he tried to explain why he did all that shit, and it turned into a lot of justifying it, like-" they leafed through and found the paragraph in question, lowering their voice to indicate they were quoting him.  
" _I saw the way you were behaving as a young man, and made assumptions that you were being lazy, or attempting to spite me as some form of teenage rebellion. I believed your mental health problems were manufactured simply to gain attention from your mother, knowing that she had a background in working with people in a professional capacity. However, after speaking with your brother, and your mother, I now am coming to understand that your issues continued after you chose to limit contact with us, and that you have been trying recently to fix these issues through professional therapy. The fact you are trying proves to me that you do, in fact, suffer from these illnesses, and that you weren't faking them for approval after all._  
_"But I do hope you can understand why I believed that at the time. Your attitude back then was combative at best, therefore, I made assumptions which made perfect sense at the time._ "

They looked up at Thor, holding up the offending bit of paper, scrunching it a little in their tight grip.  
"See? It's shit, but it's definitely from him. I don't want his approval, or his, his blessing over that I am, in fact, mentally ill. But part of me is glad it's actually his shitty opinion instead of what Frigga told him to write. And I also don't want to just, y'know, say that all of this is fine when it's not actually all totally fine, just because he attached a ridiculously large sum of money to it. Does that make sense?"

"It makes sense. Or rather- his attitude here doesn't make sense, so it makes sense that you can't make sense of it."

Loki looked at Thor with exasperation.  
"So should I be happy or not? 'cause this grey area makes me want to just rip up the cheque and call him up and tell him to go fuck himself."

Thor just shrugged.  
"You could do that. Would it make you feel better?"

"For maybe five minutes, yeah. But then he'll say I'm an ungrateful fuck and be even shittier than before."

"Maybe. You could still not take the cheque while not screaming at him."

"What's the point in that?" Loki rolled their eyes. "It'll be the same in his opinion. So either I take the money and he thinks everything's okay, or I don't take the money and he's a dick about it, so I might as well be a pre-emptive dick to him."

"Did he say the money was meant to be symbolic of everything being okay?" Thor asked, keeping his tone even.

"No, he didn't say anything about it in the letter, but you know him. You know if I take it it means the conversation is closed."

"Maybe that's what he intended. But you could write him back. Still take it, and tell him that you accept the money as a start of an apology, but you're going to need him to change his behaviour consistently in order to believe things are okay. If he pitches a fit after that, you still have the money and can still cut ties. If he doesn't, it all works out for you anyway."

They licked their lips a little as they thought.  
It wasn't a bad idea. Setting boundaries, and enforcing them, even with someone who'd treated them like shit their whole life - that was part of what their therapist had been asking them to work on, right?  
"...So, what do we do with eight grand?"

Thor smiled a little.  
"Not my money. Not my decision."

They nodded. Right. They didn't need Thor's approval for things. They didn't need Odin's, either.  
Just their own.  
They thought they knew that at one point. They just had to relearn it. Internalise it.

\---

Turned out that an excellent use for the first few thousand was buying things Odin would deeply disapprove of.

They sat together on Thor's laptop and looked up discreet day collars, which Thor protested at first, reminding Loki that he'd offered to pay for it.  
"You're allowed to spend this money on things you want, but I did say I'd get you one. I don't want to break a promise."

"Alright. How about you buy me a collar, and I'll buy you a locking bracelet - so you own me, and I own you."

Evidently that was the right thing to say, because Thor leaned in and kissed Loki's neck.  
"You're going to look fucking gorgeous with a band around your neck. You already suit it when you wear cheap chokers, so the thought of you with solid silver around this pretty thing makes me want to fuck you already."

Loki laughed and shoved him back.  
"Save that energy 'til it arrives. Because I know I'm going to want you to pin me down with this band around your wrist. You know I'm going to make you wear it even when you're working? You're going to be giving people sex advice while blatantly flaunting you're fucking your brother, and they won't even know that's what it means."

Thor actively did not save that energy 'til their items arrived, but that was okay - he still fucked Loki so hard they thought they were going to pass out as soon as he tightened the allen key that locked the simple necklace around their neck, promising them he was theirs every bit as much as they were his with frantic breaths the whole time.

The next chunk of money went on paying off the rest of their laser sessions at a place far closer to home. While Thor had been offering, they had sidestepped it as much as they could, submitting themself to shaving far more often than they'd like to, with a somewhat uncharacteristic guilt over taking more from him than they planned on.

After that was taken care of, they were left with enough to buy replacements for a few things they'd lost over the years, in moves and in messy breakups. Clothes that weren't several years old. Sketchbooks and more pencils. Blankets so they could keep warm on the couch, since Thor disagreed with them on the appropriate temperature to keep the thermostat on. Some cool knives for the kitchen since Thor only had two butter knives, a bread knife, and a sharp chef's knife he felt was appropriate to use for everything from fish to vegetables to opening packaging when he couldn't find scissors. A small vanity table and some make-up organisers.  
Little things that made them feel like this was their home, that they shared with Thor, as opposed to Thor's home that they were crashing in.  
It made it feel permanent.


	4. Chapter 4

The drive to their old childhood home was long. Not long enough they ever considered getting a plane instead, but long enough they switched out halfway to let the other doze in the passenger seat.

It wasn't like the family properly celebrated any of the Winter holidays. But how many of them were even about the religious parts any more? And how much was an excuse to get away from work, to decorate the house with a variety of pretty sparkly things, and get together as a family and bond?  
And yeah, sure, in the past, Loki had made that last part incredibly difficult at the best of times. Especially when they didn't even show up.

But this year, Loki was coming _with_ Thor. Not a day or two later, not leaving early for mysterious and unspecified 'other engagements'. They drove there together. They'd drive back together. No fights. No dramatics. No excuses.  
Wilder yet was the fact that it had actually been Loki's idea in the first place. They both agreed not to tell their father about that one - he'd already been into hospital once this year with heart concerns, shortly after he'd sent Loki the letter.  
(Thor visited. He didn't pressure Loki to. Loki reasoned, if it looked like it was going to be bad, they'd go - if he was going to be okay, they'd prefer to keep some distance so soon after everything.)  
(Thor understood. He texted Loki constantly, keeping them up to date.)

Loki smiled, and hugged Frigga, willingly. And they shook Odin's hand with an awkward, forced smile, but they still tried with him. And they didn't argue or complain or threaten to just go home and spend the holidays alone when Frigga gently explained they'd have to share a room this year, because one spare room was undergoing renovations.

They were about to step into the kitchen for a refill of their drink that evening when they heard Frigga and Thor talking about them. Naturally, they eavesdropped.  
"It's like he's not even the same person?"

"He..." Loki heard the strain in Thor's voice. They hadn't told Frigga about the whole gender thing, yet, and had agreed to save it until later, for the sake of keeping the peace. Thank fuck for gaudy sweaters and their ability to hide hard-earned tits under them. "Yeah. He's done a lot of personal work this year. I'm proud of him."

"Did you refer him to someone?"

"I mean, yes, but they made a lot of progress alone, before even attending a single session."

Frigga was so clearly too excited about how well they were doing to notice Thor's slip-up - or if she did, she decided not to pry about it.  
"Gosh. Oh wow. I'm excited for him?"

"I am too," and Loki could hear the smile in his voice, even though they couldn't see it.

"But what about you? I've not heard as much from you this year. Is work still going well? Are you seeing anyone?" Ah. Of course. One of their mother's pet subjects was whether or not they were settled in relationships or not.

"Er. Yes?"

"On both counts?"

There was a second of hesitation, and Loki wondered if they should come in and interrupt the conversation before it caused a massive fallout.  
But Thor slowly, diplomatically said, "Yes. Both of those things."

"Is it serious?"  
Ah. She wasn't going to probe further on the work side of things. Clearly, she knew she could trust him in that area.

"...It is."

"And how are you managing to keep up with a serious relationship with Loki in the house? Does he get on with your partner?"

Thor laughed a little. "They're getting along better every day."  
Well. Not exactly a lie.

"Can we arrange a meet up? Or is it not quite at that stage yet?"

"Maybe."

"So... You're being a bit avoidant, a bit vague. Do they have a name? Is this partner a girl, or...?"

"You're trying to get at something. Do you want to communicate your question clearly? Or are you going to keep stepping around the question you'd really like to ask?"  
Loki had _never_ heard Thor speak like that, especially not with their mother. Their chest tightened with- with fear. That this was it. That Frigga would kick them out, disown them both.

But she didn't.  
She made a quiet noise, a small sigh that wasn't exasperated, or irritated, just... fond.  
"You know I love you unconditionally, don't you?"

"Yes."

"And Loki, as well."

"You've proven that more actively with them than with me, but yes."

"He's _happy_ , Thor. I've not seen him so happy in- in years. Almost decades, plural."

A silence fell, and Loki knew he was trying to figure out if these pieces were meant to connect, or not. Whether she knew something they hadn't told  
her.  
"Well, we've talked out a lot of things. We had a few issues to resolve. That's part of it."

"And he's really been attending therapy? Regularly?"

"Every week. I even drive them there, when I can. And when I don't, I know he's going, because he comes back and talks a bit about what he's learned in that session, and sometimes brings back worksheets. That I've seen getting completed. He's been really sticking to it. He wants to get better."

There was a pause, and Loki realised from the sniffles they could hear that Frigga was crying a little.  
"And he's- is he seeing someone?"

"You mean dating someone? Because he's seeing a lot of people. Mental and physical health professionals. A personal trainer in the gym. Beauty therapy people. The guy that does their nails is really quite lovely-'

"Thor. I mean dating. Is he dating?" She asked it the way she always asks questions she already knew the answer to, but wanted confirmation anyway.

"That sounds like something you should ask them yourself."

They nearly swore under their breath. They didn't want to have that conversation with her.  
Thankfully, she could evidently still read Thor like a large-print children's book.

"...Is it a healthy, happy relationship?"

Thor sighed, and Loki knew that sound well. It was the sound of knowing there was no point arguing.  
"The healthiest and happiest yet, I'm led to believe."

"And you've met?"

"We're well acquainted. Their partner isn't perfect, but I believe they're trying their best for Loki."

"That's all I need to know. I do hope- perhaps if they're not comfortable- er. Well. Openly dating this person? Then I hope he knows I still love him and accept him as he is."

"You might do better telling them that to their face, too, instead of through me."

"He'll curl up in embarrassment, and you know it. He hates when I ask about his love life. But the same goes for you, too, you know?"

"I know."

They fell silent, and Loki peeked around the doorframe, caught sight of Thor wrapped up in Frigga's arms, her squeezing him as tight as possible. Thor gently patted her hair, and Loki took the opportunity to back up down the hallway, and come down a bit louder than before. They announced their arrival by calling ahead, "Hey, do you two need any help?" and pretended to look surprised when they found the two of them still hugging.

\---

When they headed to bed that evening (sharing a fold-out couch because, they rationalised in front of their parents, it was better they both share it instead of fighting over who got either the couch or the single blow-up mattress), Thor tried to tell Loki about the conversation in the kitchen, but Loki cut him off.  
"You were talking about me. I had to listen."

Thor laughed, and leaned over to kiss their head. "Of course you did." There was a familiar fondness there, one they hadn't had in years.  
He slung his arm around Loki's waist, spooning them, and kissing their bare shoulder, exposed by the tank top they had to wear to deal with the fact their parents insisted on cranking the heating up beyond what the normal human body could tolerate in the evening.

"So..." Loki started with a coy smile.

"Mhm?" Thor asked, immediately knowing what they had in mind, but waiting for them to say it aloud anyway.

"We can't exactly... do much on this couch. It creaks like fuck. But... We have hands?"

"Mm. We also do have a floor, if you don't mind carpet burn and keeping quiet."

They turned to look him dead in the eye. "Fuck. You're a genius."

"You only ever tell me that when I think of something that'll get you off. Can't I get praised for my intellectual abilities sometimes?" Thor faked a pout.

Loki swatted at his hand. "Your intellectual abilities are focused on sex, anyway. That's literally your job. Stop being a brat."

"Fair," he laughed, and rolled off the bed, clearing a space on the floor. "Promise you'll be able to keep quiet?"

"Mm, maybe you should gag me?" they suggested helpfully, tiptoeing over to join him. "Can't scream your name if I can't scream at all."

"Can't have that," Thor smiled up at them as they crawled into his lap. "You'll need to at least whisper it in my ear. Can you manage that?"

"Suppose I'll have to try."

They kissed for a while, Thor's back against the wall, and parted only to strip below the waist.  
Loki pulled Thor onto the floor, and asked, "Can I fuck you instead tonight?"

Thor's eyes lit up, and he nodded enthusiastically.

(They'd done it before, but not often. The first time Thor asked, Loki hesitated.)

( _"I... I **like** topping, but I feel weird domming you. I think it's- like, probably a combination of the therapist thing and the older brother thing, y'know? I feel like I have to sub for you. It's not a bad thing, I like subbing, I just- yeah."  
"You know you can top without domming me, right? We can just be equal, like we are sometimes when I top. Or you can still sub - I can dom from the bottom."  
"I mean, yeah, when you say it out loud like that it sounds obvious."  
"...So is that a yes? It doesn't **have** to be a yes, I'm happy if you don't want to. I'm just presenting options."  
"No, yeah, I'd like to. Just- be patient with me. My head is a bit like... Yeah."  
"I'll be patient. I promise."_)

(And he was. And Loki started out just treating Thor like an equal partner, no dynamics involved, but quickly realised they _liked_ talking dirty to him during. Asking, " _You like taking your little brother's cock like that? Like spreading your legs for me?_ ")  
(Thor didn't question any of it, didn't stop as Loki switched, just went with it. Enjoyed it. Whimpered back, " _I love it - I'm yours - ruin me_ ".)  
(Loki wanted to thank Thor for not stopping to question that it was 'brother' that day, wanted to thank him for not pointing out that they changed their mind almost as soon as they saw their cock fully seated inside Thor. Wanted to thank him for being so fucking beautiful, so built for breaking apart.)  
(They wanted to thank him, but they didn't want to ruin the moment, didn't want to break character.)  
(So they didn't. They just fucked him as hard as they could manage and made him come without even touching his cock and made him scream their name. And they figured that got the message across.)

(But as much as they enjoyed it, they still preferred it when Thor fucked them. The option was there, though.)

And Thor didn't hesitate, reaching into the backpack they'd stowed some supplies in and fishing out the lube, reaching between his thighs to finger himself. Loki didn't let him get far, though.

"Let me. I want to open you up."  
Thor moved aside, and Loki coated their fingers, pressing up against him firmly, but taking their time, breaching so slow Thor tried to buck his hips to make Loki move faster.  
Loki quickly put a stop to that with their free hand on Thor's stomach, pushing down.  
"We go slow. We're two rooms away from them. There's not a chance in hell I plan on getting caught."

Thor nodded, and stayed put as Loki stretched him, curled their fingers to get a little gasp from Thor's mouth.

It was slow, and it was torturous for both of them, but Thor kept whispering, "Yes, keep going, Loki - I'm ready, fuck me, please."  
Loki placed their free hand over Thor's mouth, and kept taking their time, teasing Thor.

Eventually, the benefits of making Thor's cock twitch and leak against his stomach in desperate need waned against the need for friction Loki felt. They pulled their fingers free, slicked up their cock, then wiped their fingers off on a tissue.

"Are you sure you can stay quiet?" they asked one last time as they lined up against Thor's hole.

"I promise. You can muffle me if I'm starting to get too loud, but I'll keep quiet as I can."

"I'm serious. If we get caught, we're in the deepest of deep shit."

"I'm serious too. I don't want to ever stop fucking you - I'll keep quiet tonight if it means I get to fuck you forever."

Loki's cheeks flushed a little at that, but they didn't respond - they just pushed forward, slow, 'til muscle gave way and they sank deep into Thor.  
"Fuck, you always feel so good," they hissed against his skin, leaning over to rest their forehead on his chest.

"Good, then fuck me harder."

Loki growled, and nipped at Thor's chest with their teeth. "Slow. Gentle. You said you'd keep quiet tonight not even a minute ago you impatient little shit."

They couldn't see his face, but they could feel the eye-roll they got from him in their soul.  
They took their time, fucking him in long, steady strokes, making as little noise as possible, praising Thor in quiet whispers against his ear, telling him he was a good boy, a good brother, and he deserved to be fucked like this. Deserved to be filled up.  
Neither of them had a particularly good grasp of the time, but they knew they'd been going for a while, steadily building up pressure, staying in that spot where they were both close, nearly, but never quite being able to bring each other over the edge like this, too slow to break either of them.

Then they both froze as they heard footsteps in the hallway.

(Frigga's. They knew her steps, softer, delicate, nothing like the thundering thumps of Odin's, the one upside of them being that they always knew he was coming well in advance, gave them enough time as teenagers to hide any porn, or women's clothes and make-up. Frigga, though - Frigga got an eyeful more than once, knocking and opening the door without thinking. She remembered after maybe the third incident.)  
(Loki silently prayed to whatever deity was willing to listen, whatever ones were in good spirits due to Yuletime, prayed she hadn't forgotten, and was willing to talk through the door if she must talk to them. Prayed maybe she was simply visiting the bathroom. Prayed, because there was absolutely no fucking chance they could disentangle in time - even if they moved now, it would make far too much obvious noise, would take too long, they'd never get their clothes back on in time.)

(It wasn't fear that Loki felt. They were so distant from the situation already, brain fully prepared to dissociate entirely should the worst happen. Their heart pounded in their chest, and their sweat rolled cold down the back of their neck, but that was their body's problem - their mind was clear. Blank. Prepared for the hit. Prepared for screams. Prepared to be forcibly thrown from the house. Prepared to run, to drive as far away as possible. To flee.)

(And long second after long second ticked by on the alarm clock next to Thor's side of the bed, and another footstep, and another footstep, and a pause. She was lingering outside their room, they could feel it, and Loki caught Thor cringing out the corner of their eye, but he'd clearly ran the same calculations - knew they'd never get out of it if she turned that handle, and knew it was worse to try on the off-chance she wouldn't - knew the sounds of them separating and rushing around would only make her more suspicious.)  
(The pause stretched.)

(One tick.)

 

(Two ticks.)

 

(Three.)

 

 

They simply heard Frigga's nails rap slightly against the door, then heard her voice, quiet, whisper,  
"Good night, boys. Sleep well."

Loki tried to keep their voice level as they whispered back, "Good night," with Thor echoing shortly after.

Then the footsteps returned, heading along the hallway, towards the bathroom. The sound of the cord being pulled echoed down. The door clicked shut. They heard nothing until the water ran through the pipes, and the hum of her electric toothbrush made its way through the walls.

It didn't merit discussion. They pulled apart, slow, and quietly re-dressed. Returned to the bed one by one, trying to minimise the creaks, moving slowly, lying down in steady stages, trying to pass off the sounds as moving to find a comfortable spot.  
They didn't speak. Not for a while. Not until she returned to her bed.

Then Thor whispered, so low Loki wouldn't have heard it if the room weren't so still, "Did she hear anything?"

"Fuck, I hope not."

Tick.  
Tick.  
Tick.

Loki reached over Thor, letting the bed creak, and grabbed the clock, fumbled in the dark to pop the batteries out, set them down on the floor next to the now-gutted device - but just far away enough the batteries wouldn't magically hop back into the springs through the night. Just in case.

"I was gonna use that so I got up early enough tomorrow-"

"Your phone is right there, Thor. It is on charge right now. Set your alarm on it now."

He grumbled, but didn't argue, and winced against the brightness of his phone, turned it down quickly but still squinted against it.

Loki took the time to even their breathing. In. Two. Three. Four. Hold. Two Three. Four. Out. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.

Then Thor asked, "Hey. ...We could at least jerk each other off, if we're quiet enough."

Loki stared at the ceiling. After a beat, they just whispered back, "Yeah, might as well."

Their hands fumbled against each other's pyjamas, pausing stock still every time there was a creak and waiting a few moments before resuming.  
Neither of them lasted very long. Even after the fear of being caught, they'd both been so close with Loki inside of Thor. Thor came first, biting his palm to muffle himself, and Loki licked their fingers clean afterwards as Thor persevered with touching Loki.  
When Loki came, Thor didn't lick his fingers, but he did pull a sock off one of his feet and mopped Loki up with it. Which was kind of considerate, in a way.

Regardless. Thor went to the bathroom first, and when he came back, Loki waited for seven minutes exactly before they followed suit, mopping their stomach clean and giving their cock a quick rinse in the sink for good measure.

They hadn't exactly expected the holidays to be easy, but frankly, none of these issues were anticipated. They almost would have preferred shouting matches with Odin. Those, at least, they had dealt with before.

\---

Thor's alarm went off obnoxiously early for the holidays the next morning, and woke Loki up.

"You can't sleep in 'til noon just because it's winter, you'll throw off your sleeping pattern and hate yourself for it."

Loki, hiding under a pillow, moaned, "I already hate myself but not as much as I hate you just now."

Thor leaned in closer, lifted the pillow slightly, and whispered, "I got you up this early all of last week."

"Yes," Loki hissed. "But you were sucking my cock or bringing me breakfast those times. Now, you're doing neither."

"Well," Thor stood back up, speaking at full volume again, "I can't do the former. But I can do the latter. Toast? Cereal? Waffles? Pancakes? Bacon?"

Loki begrudgingly lifted the pillow further to look at Thor, making sure he was being serious. Assured he was, they requested, "Pancakes with syrup. Frigga gets the good shit."

Thor bowed deeply in his ancient, bobbling, hand-knitted sweater (with snowflakes all around the chest and down the arms). "As you wish, your highness. Will there be anything else for the good prinxe?"

"...A proper cup of tea, too. She's got the teabags you're too good to buy."

"You mean the cheap shit?"

"Yeah. It's great. I miss it. Milk and 2 sugars."

They promptly fell back asleep as Thor left the room, and were woken again to a variety of good smells and a rattling tray full of everything they'd requested and more- a side of orange juice, and chocolate chunks on top.  
Scooting upright, they blinked the dust out of their eyes, and let Thor set the tray on their lap.

"...You're sweet."

"Not as sweet as your sweet tooth, evidently. C'mon; eat up, get dressed, and come through. Madre is making some stuff she can freeze ahead of Friday, and she needs help."

"Have I got time to finish this?"

"She's got enough to do for the next few hours, so yeah, take time to enjoy breakfast."

He left, and Loki took the time to savour their food. It really was delicious - they'd missed this level of _nice_ whenever they'd skipped out on coming. Sure, Thor bought nice things now - but he didn't know all of Loki's comfort foods quite as well, and didn't see the point in shelling out in indulgently expensive syrup, didn't want to buy cheap-as-hell teabags that were technically worse but just tasted better to Loki.  
Loki adored Thor, and maybe, in time, they'd get better at asking him for things properly - not jokingly-but-seriously demanding, not sneaking behind his back to get their way, not pretending it's fine that he hadn't read their mind but sulking for a few hours after. They knew logically if they really asked, if they explained properly, 'I have tried other kinds, but I really do like this kind better, and if it's just for me, I'll make it last', Thor would be fine with it.

But the nice thing about coming home was that they didn't have to even use passive-aggressive tactics to ask for what they wanted.  
They didn't even have to ask.  
Frigga just knew.

He'd missed her.

\---

Helping in the kitchen went well. The three of them chatted happily, Odin watched TV a little too loud in the living room, and Frigga hummed songs in between giving her children tasks that were simple enough they couldn't fuck them up, but time consuming enough she didn't want to bother with them. She didn't even comment on today's jumper, which had 'don we now our gay apparel' in a rainbow gradient, and reindeer humping each other hidden in the pattern.  
Thor did, though. But only to say, "you fucking hate carols", which Loki conceded with a shrug.

Working together, they got done in under two hours, and Frigga folded her apron up, smiling as she proclaimed that the only thing they'd have to prepare on the feast day was the turkey.  
(They'd long since decided on turkey being their big meat dish. Frigga hated anything pig- or sheep-based, and Loki had always had an aversion to beef unless it was highly processed, so brisket was out, too, at least on the years they decided to visit. Odin and Thor ate anything, but Thor, at least, didn't see the point in making Frigga make two separate big meat dishes for them, especially when she always had a good variety of side dishes.)  
(They could, at least, all agree on eating chicken and turkey, and since chicken wasn't as much of a special occasion food, turkey became the staple.)

She relented and let them have some of the soup they'd been making for lunch, as they'd argued they'd made more than enough to last on the day even if they took a bowl each. They sat together after they were finished, and half watched what was on TV, half scrolled aimlessly through their feeds.

It was cozy.  
Cozy enough that Loki fell asleep on Thor's shoulder, feet tucked under them on the couch, phone still in their hand, and Thor followed suit soon after.

Frigga snapped a photo and sent it to each of them. The vibration of Loki's phone woke them up, and they flushed a deep crimson when realising they'd been caught like that - but neither of their parents seemed to have anything to say about it. If Odin had noticed, he didn't have anything derogatory to say. Frigga just smiled warmly, and asked Loki, "Was helping in the kitchen that tiring?"

They wriggled away a little, and shrugged. "It was more warm than anything, I guess."

She just kept smiling, and turned back to the TV.

Loki let Thor keep sleeping.

\---

They'd put up some extra decorations later that evening. A former client of Frigga's brought in a poinsettia, so that got put out on the coffee table, along with some old decorations their neighbour had left them after they'd moved - icicle string lights wrapped around the plant pot, and glittery silver snowflakes set out on the table around it.

(The rest of their neighbour's decorations had been tactfully passed on to people who would actually use them - she was a lovely older lady, and while she was always respectful, she did tend to forget which of the people on the street weren't religious, which were, and what religions the ones who were followed. Her go-to became, 'Happy Whatever-You-Do!' when she saw people around the holidays, which was incredibly sweet.)  
(It did mean Frigga had to find a home for an entire handcrafted nativity scene that she wasn't able to reasonably take with her to her retirement flat. That had been a fucking journey, and she'd texted Thor to vent about it the whole time - Loki got updated on the adventure several months later, after a successful adopter had been secured.)

There was already a wreath on the door, and a decorated log above the fireplace with candles in it (which, Loki argued every single year, was the most redundant decoration they had. If they wanted a log, and fire, then they had a working fireplace. They could have just avoided spending extra on the holly and candles and chucked the thing straight in anyway. Frigga put her foot down, as always, and shut the conversation off with, 'well, it's not you that's paying for it, so you don't have to like it'.)  
Her houseplants had been given the glitter and decoration treatment too - usually just their pots, but the sturdier ones had a few baubles and some tinsel stuck to them.

They'd also found a few sun and moon decorations, a box of candles and incense, Mistletoe and some bells, that Frigga had stowed away safely in their bedroom so she'd remember to put them up. She hadn't remembered. But they had found them and reminded her, so she insisted there was method to her madness, and roped the two of them into helping put them out around the house.  
Loki suspected that, since something like this happened every year, she was doing it on purpose. They'd always arrive to the house looking at least somewhat festive, but it would be missing a few key details, and every year those items would be Loki and Thor's responsibility to do.  
Maybe it was her way of ensuring they felt like part of the holiday. They hadn't really considered that prospect, before, always chalking it up to her being weirdly forgetful about the strangest things - but Frigga was sneaky, and a good liar, but only for generally beneficent reasons.

They supposed that was where they got their deceptive streak from.  
They figured, maybe, in future, they'd prefer to use it like she did.

\---

On Friday morning, Thor shook Loki awake so they could open their gifts. It was a small haphazard pile in front of the fireplace, with the straw goat 'guarding' them (though, at a distance far enough away from the flames to prevent disaster - they'd learned their lesson on that front when Loki was 7). Frigga insisted on doing it well into their adulthood, knowing fine well it still made them smile.  
The boys deposited their gifts to their parents and to each other into the pile as well, and after a few minutes of negotiation and handing off to one another, they each had their own little towers of wrapped presents.

Thor had a good few gifts of varying sizes from their parents - Loki only had three.  
They tried not to let it sting. The size and quantity of the presents didn't always matter.  
But Frigga usually made an effort to at least make them appear equal. They wondered what was different, this year.

They reached down, and carefully opened the first, frankly stalling a little so they could mentally prepare themself in case it was a fuck you from Odin, or if he'd managed to argue that since he'd given Loki money earlier in the year, they didn't deserve anything now.

But inside were two books. Prospectuses, actually, for a further education college, and a university near Thor's house, with a note attached, in Frigga's neat loopy handwriting.  
"Dear Loki;  
Our present to you this year is an invitation, not an expectation. We know how hard you've been trying to get back on your feet, and we know how far you've come.  
We're already proud of you. Your reaction to this present won't change that one bit. If you want, we've attached a gift receipt, for an alternative. You can even accept, but defer it until next year, or the year after - whenever you're ready. We won't mind one bit.  
What we're suggesting is this; We know you still have your further education funding available. We know you won't have to pay to apply, or to study. But we don't want the cost of pursuing it causing you to take out any student loans.  
So we're offering to foot the cost of living bill (within reason - don't go on a bender halfway across the world and expect us to cover that), and to cover anything you need for your studies. Books, materials, fuel to get there - whatever you like.  
And it can be any course that you like. We know you used to like art, and that you're good with technology, but if you'd like to try something completely different, that's fine. Whatever will make you happy, and give you a better chance at a career you actually enjoy.  
And it can be at any level you like. We know starting even from first year at university might be daunting right now, so if you need to start on an entry-level course at the college, and ease yourself back in, or try some short taster-session courses to figure out where you want to go - then go for it. We have no expectations for you to live up to. Even if you take a two-year course and leave it at that without pursuing a full degree; if it gets you to a place where you're happier, we're happy to help with it.

But, as we mentioned, you're free to reject this entirely. See the paper behind this for an alternative.

Love,  
Frigga & Odin."

With shaking fingers, Loki turned to the next page.  
And they let out a shaky laugh.

"All-expenses paid holiday for you and a plus-one!" was emblazoned on the paper in Frigga's best calligraphy, with terms and conditions underneath in far smaller writing ('up to 2500, nowhere you'll get murdered, please don't elope while you're out there because your mother would very much like to be at your wedding').

Thor was still chatting with Odin, and hadn't noticed Loki reading.  
Frigga just smiled over at them, and reassured, quietly, "really, it is totally your choice. You can say no to both of them if you'd like - we'll find you something you do like together."

Loki nodded.  
"I'll have to think about it. But I really do appreciate it."

She rested a hand on their knee, and Thor looked over at that point and noticed them.  
"You two okay?"

"We're great, Thor. Do you like your gifts?"

He beamed, and held up the vinyl that he'd been eyeing up for a while, but hadn't been able to get a hold of because it was a limited run. "Apparently, dad does know how to use the internet," and Loki burst out laughing, remembering Thor's laments on his profile as he begged anyone on his friends list, offering to pay them double, triple what it was worth. Their mother didn't use social media as a rule, despite being far more capable with computers than their father was these days, so picturing Odin asking Frigga for help on ordering this thing was enough to diffuse the excitement? tension? that had built in their chest from reading the letter, and replaced it with pure mirth.

They opened the rest from their parents; a new book from one of their favourite authors, and a box of luxury chocolates that Loki adored but only ever got at the holidays. They thanked them both, before opening Thor's; a handful of enamel pins; another book they'd been eyeing; a video game they'd been arguing about (Loki insisting they wanted to play it, and Thor arguing, 'it's my TV, and my console, and I don't like that game, so no'. They punched him in the arm for lying about why he wasn't letting Loki buy it, but kept smiling); and a small card that had a slip of paper saying, 'IOU; a bigger present I left at home bc I don't want parents seeing it' stashed inside. Loki quickly crumpled the paper slip and slipped in in their pocket before putting the card up on the mantelpiece along with the rest.

\---

The feast went remarkably well. Odin didn't say anything that pissed off at least half the table, instead choosing to talk about sports, and a new drama he'd been watching. He didn't even pick on Loki for... well, for anything.  
They stuffed themselves to the point of discomfort, then took a break to watch a few festive things on TV, then headed back for more. They went through the wine and mead quite quickly between the four of them, and things... things felt easy, for Loki. They weren't on edge. They weren't drinking to drown out the hell of being stuck with people they didn't like. They were drinking to have fun with people they cared about.  
Odin was almost included in that. Nearly. Pleasant as he'd been this visit, Loki was finding it difficult to reconcile their past experiences with the present. They weren't sure if it was fake, to keep Frigga happy, or if he'd actually finally listened to Frigga and tried to change.

They tried not to think on it too hard. Tried to just enjoy themselves. And if they left their emotions about Odin parked somewhere in the vicinity of 'indifferent', then that was pretty easy. They could even find themself laughing at his jokes every so often, which caught both of them a little off-guard when it did happen.

Later that afternoon, on the fourth bottle of booze, Frigga had squeezed into the sofa between her children, and they'd both leaned heavily on her as the tipsiness melted into drunkenness. Thor started snoring gently, and Odin followed suit soon after.

Frigga turned the volume down a little on the TV. Loki didn't mind - the sappy movie that was playing wasn't really anyone's first choice.

But Frigga leaned in, and whispered near Loki's ear, "Can I ask a personal question?"

Loki froze, then made an active effort to try and relax. They were in no state to be lying convincingly, if that was what needed to be done, but the more relaxed they looked, the more she'd be likely to buy it. Right?  
"You can ask."

"But you might not answer."

"Isn't that always true?"

She laughed a little. "It is."  
She stayed quiet for long enough that Loki almost thought she was going to drop it. Almost.  
But then, she asked, after having heard both the men snore again, "You're not a boy any more, are you?"

"Arguably, I've not been a boy for the past, what... 9 years?"

"Well. No, I know you're an adult. That's not what I'm asking, though."

Loki breathed out slowly.  
"I'm- yeah. I'm not."

"Do I have a daughter?"

"Not that, either."

She hummed a little. "So, is my child still going by Loki? Or is it something else these days?"

"Still Loki. Just not going by 'he'. Or, 'son', I guess. Like, I don't mind as much if it's you, if you forget. I don't expect dad will get it."

"You might be surprised. One of his friends is a lady, now, and he was good with her. Still forgets her new name, sometimes - calls her 'Sid' and 'she' in the same sentence, but he's trying."

"Uncle Sid's a woman now?" Loki perked up. They'd not seen Sid properly in years, not since they left home, only ever getting about half an hour over the holidays on years they came. Sid was fond of Loki - brought gifts when he-- when she'd been on work visits abroad. They weren't really related, but Odin had been so close with Sid that Thor and Loki had become honorary nephews.

"Technically Aunt Abigail, now. I'm sure she'd be happy to reintroduce herself while you're here, if you're up to it. Maybe you could return the favour, if you're comfortable with that."

"Uh. Maybe. I might have to tell dad first. I'd rather wait until after today, though. I don't want to ruin it. It's been calm today."

Frigga petted their hair, and scritched their scalp fondly. "It's your choice. But if he kicks up any fuss, I swear, I'll talk him down. And I'll tell on him to Abi. She'll kick his arse if she catches wind of him being rude about it."

"So I guess she didn't get told about what you found out about a few months back?"

"No. Though, if you want to tell her, I won't stop you."

They thought for a few moments.  
"I won't. Not now, at least - I know she does a big family Christmas thing, and I don't want her upset while she's getting everything ready for that."

Frigga nodded. "Fair enough." And they could hear her trying to not let a tone of approval over their actions creep into her voice, could hear her trying to sound impartial.  
But they still knew it had made her happy, that they'd considered other peoples' happiness before acting.  
"So. 'They'? And my child, instead of my son?"

"Yes to both, please."

She nodded again. "Anything else I should know?"

"Er. Well. I've been taking estrogen."

"Oh? How's that been?"

"Uh. Good. I have boobs now, which is fun."

"From the hormones? Or implants?"

"Hormones. I don't want much bigger than this, so," they pulled their jumper (The Gävlebocken, on fire, with 'merry Yule' underneath) forward, and looked down it.

Frigga squeezed Loki's side, and leaned her head on their shoulder.  
"I'm glad I know now. Correct me if I fuck up, okay?"

"I will. Not in front of dad yet, though."

They lapsed into an amicable quiet for a little while, idly watching the TV again, trying to figure out what the fuck happened in the movie since they stopped paying attention.  
She broke it again before Loki had pieced things together.  
"...Does Thor know?"

"Yeah. He's been helping me with stuff."

"Good." She barely waited five seconds before blurting out, "Y'know, he mentioned you're seeing someone. Are they nice?"

Loki closed their eyes and counted to five.  
"They're very nice."

"And they're accepting of you?"

"Very much so."

She lifted her head off Loki's shoulder and looked at them, and they realised then, just by looking at her, that she was just as drunk as they were at this point.  
"I know."

"...You know?"

She nodded, once, firmly. Glanced over to Odin, still snoring on his chair. "I'm going to pretend I don't know. And I'm going to lie about it if anyone asks. So maybe make up a good lie to tell me, about the person you're dating, one I can tell family friends who are excited for you."

Loki focused very hard on maintaining a straight face, very carefully said, "I don't quite know what you're talking about, mother, I'm sorry. I can assure you that my partner is very lovely, and very kind to me. But if it's easier, you're welcome to tell others that I'm quite happily single, and have no plans to change that."

She smiled, and it was a sloppy kind of grin that only wine could bring out in her.  
"I may do that, then. As long as I know that you're happy."

"Very happy."

"That's all I can ask of my children, is to be happy."

"I am. We both are."

"Good."

And with that, she rested her head back on Loki's shoulder, and promptly fell asleep.

\---

As soon as the door closed behind them when they went to bed, Loki immediately blurted out the conversation with Frigga to Thor, having been bottling it the rest of the evening.

"...she knows?" Thor asked.

"That's literally exactly what I just told you."

"But like, she knows, and she doesn't care?"

"I think so? She said she just wants us to be happy. As in, she wants _us_ to be happy."

Thor ran his hands down his face.  
"That's a good thing, right?"

"...maybe? I don't know. I never thought we'd have to have this conversation, so I'm not sure."

"Okay." Thor sat on the edge of the bed, and pulled his jumper off, electing to just sleep shirtless, and in his boxers evidently as he kicked off his sweatpants. "Okay. We just... we just keep going like she doesn't know, and not telling dad, right? Like, if we tell family friends we're both single, and okay with that, then she'll know, but nobody else will be asking to meet our new partners."

Loki rubbed their temples. "That makes sense. But. I don't want to talk about this any more while we're drunk."

"No, me either. It's-- it's bedtime, Loki. We just... go to sleep, and have a calm day tomorrow, and relax until Tuesday. And we go see the people who do Christmas then. And then we go home soon after. Yeah?"

"Yeah. Yeah, okay."

They fell asleep with Thor spooning Loki, because it wasn't like Odin ever came in to waken them, and Frigga tended to let them have a lie-in the day after - and even when she did waken them, it was almost always with a knock, anyway.

They could do this. They could do it safely.

\---

One horrid fitful morning later, both of them waking up for bursts to whine wordlessly at each other about the room spinning, falling back asleep just long enough to miss it when a wave of nausea jolted them back into the land of the living, they both agreed in short croaky sentences that it was time to rise around 1pm.  
Breakfast (lunch?) was plain toast with butter, half a cucumber each, and several tall glasses of water, consumed in complete silence.

Frigga found them in the kitchen, propping themselves up against the counter, and took pity on them despite not being in a much better state herself. She sent them to the living room, and brought them a cup of ginger tea each. She didn't question their decision to put on kids cartoons, nor to curl up next to each other on the couch under one blanket.

Odin was awake, but he was in bed with a book, and his music came down the hallway every so often.

The house smelled of spices, of tea and Odin's coffee, of toast and yesterday's leftovers.  
And Loki realised they were actually happy. They were hungover, and they were in the same house as their family, and they were still happy.

"Thor," they ventured, keeping their voice low so it wouldn't make his head ring.

"Mhm?"

"I'm really enjoying this. Thank you for coming with me this year."

Thor shifted a little on the couch to look at Loki properly. "Of course. I wanted to be with you."

"Yeah. Just. I want you to know I appreciate it. I appreciate everything you've done for me this past year. I know I'm not like, fixed, but- yeah."

Thor squeezed their hand, and reminded them, "You're doing so much better. I'm so proud of you for how far you've come."

"I mean, I know I've come far, I just- I'm sorry you still have to deal with me when I get bad. Like last week, just before we set off, when I got all panic-attacky. I know you don't like it when I dissociate and stuff."

"We've talked about this, Loki. I don't want to hear apologies for when you're struggling. I want to hear you celebrating your successes. Remember when you first moved in and you were panicking a few times a week at worst? And now, you had one a week ago, just before a big journey to a place that's been... not always great, in the past. You had _one_ about coming here. I had planned for there to be a lot more than that, Lo, but your recovery has been frankly remarkable. I'm proud of you. Our parents are proud of you. You need to be proud of you, too."

They nodded, once, and didn't argue. While they were equally deeply hardwired to self-deprecate, and to act as if they were the best person to walk the planet, they knew neither of those things were entirely true, not at the moment.  
Thor was right, which they wouldn't often admit aloud.  
They should be proud. Not in a grandiose way, not in an egotistical way - but they should recognise that they put in a lot of hard work. That getting to this point was because of themself.  
And the little bit of their brain that tried to say, 'I couldn't have done it without Thor', it was muffled, too.  
They could have. It was all their own damn hard work that got them there, and technically they could have done it without him.

But that didn't mean it would have been as easy.  
So instead of saying, 'whatever', or, 'well, obviously', or anything else dismissive, they said, "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me for being proud of you, Loki."

"No, not for that. For- for everything else. For giving me a place to live. Giving me stability. And being there for me. Believing in me, and- and loving me. Like- I know I did the work to get to this point. I'm trying to recognise that and give myself credit for it. Because it was me that did that. But I think it's because of you it's gone as fast as it has. And- yeah. I think you deserve a thank you for that. Cherish it, though, you might not get another one any time soon."

Thor laughed at their last comment, and squashed them into a vice-grip of a hug.  
"Thank you for accepting the help I could give. I was so scared you were going to crash for a week then rush out into some other bad situation at the start. I'm so glad you stayed."

They wheezed out as much of a laugh as they could with Thor's hug still constricting their lungs.  
"As if you'd have actually let me leave."

He must have heard how much they struggled to breathe, because he let go a little, enough that Loki could see his face - but he kept his hand on Loki's neck, fond and tender.  
"You're right. I probably wouldn't have."

\---

When Christmas itself fell, they continued with years-old traditions of going to visit people they knew who celebrated it.  
It went smoother than usual. Even when they nipped to Aunt Abi's house for a mug of hot chocolate each - Odin acted no differently towards her (right down to asking if she'd watched the game last week, ripping her for liking the team that lost).

Loki pulled her aside when she went to the kitchen for snacks.

"Hey, Aunt Abi."

"Loki! I hear you've been doing well."

"I have. And you, too, it seems."

She beamed at him. "Never better, kid."

Loki nodded, and nearly lost their nerve, but- no. She was here, and she was happy. She'd be happier to know, surely.  
"I just- I wanted to tell you. I, uh- I'm nonbinary. I'm keeping the same name, but, yeah. I go by 'they', now. I'm on hormones, too."

Abi stopped in her tracks, and Loki watched as a smile grew on her face.  
"Well, look at us, then. Never knew we had quite so much in common." She affectionately punched them on the arm, then paused for a second, before extending an arm, offering a hug. Loki took it. "I'm glad to hear that. You know where I am if you want to talk to someone in a similar position, yeah?"

"Yeah, of course," they nodded, and blinked rapidly because there was no chance they were going to cry on her. "I, uh- I've told Frigga, and Thor. Just not Odin, yet. Probably after today."

"Don't worry about him. I know he's not always been... Well. You've not always been the closest. But he does care about you. Even if he is kind of shit at showing it."

"To say the least."

"Yeah. Trust me, though. When I told him about me, he just went, 'oh. Alright. Can we still get a beer together, though?' That was his biggest concern, that we wouldn't get to go to the pub together any more, y'know?" She laughed a little, and stepped back, let Loki free. "He used to be a jackass about this kind of thing. I know he did, 'cause I had to listen to him say a ton of... really unkind shit before. But between me and Frigga, I think he's, uh. He's getting there."

Loki just nodded, and Abi tilted up their chin.

"You don't have to forgive him for any of the stuff that happened before. I don't know all of it; I just know his side, and even his side didn't paint him in a good light. It's your call. But I'm not joking when I say he loves you, if that's worth anything to you now."  
She ruffled their hair out of place, and winked, then ordered them to grab a tray of biscuits to take out for everyone.  
It was slightly uncomfortable, though they didn't begrudge her for it.

\---

It was with genuine sadness that Loki packed, ready to return home.  
At least, this year, they weren't totally leaving their family behind. And what a change, that they were actually happy about that.

They didn't tell Odin. They talked with Thor, and decided they'd be happier doing it in a letter. That would give them distance. The safety to not see or hear his immediate reaction.

Still. This had actually been nice, overall. Being around Odin didn't make them jump as much, didn't make them want to just get in the car and drive through the night to get home and escape.  
And being with Frigga - it was soothing. It always was, even back when they were terrified of her psychoanalysing her way into their deepest darkest secrets. Yet this time, she did; she tore through all of their bullshit while _drunk_ and the world kept turning.

If they were more inclined, they might have called that a miracle.

\---

They fell asleep in the passenger seat on the way back, after they'd driven their stretch of the journey. Thor didn't wake them 'til they pulled back into the driveway.

The days after they came back from the visit, but before the new year, felt like a haze. Thor didn't take clients in that time - maintained that while other therapists may have to stay on-call over the holidays, there's no sexual crisis that can't wait a few weeks to get resolved. Sure, it might be distressing - but it was unlikely to be mental health destroying.  
Loki, too, had no visits to their therapist scheduled. They'd discussed it before they went away; they didn't feel like they were at-risk, and they had Thor there for support during the visit, if they needed it. So they both decided on waiting 'til after the new year, a solid 4 weeks without, the longest Loki had managed since they started going.  
They could always text him, if there was an emergency.  
But there hadn't been.

So they had peace. And they had a house to themselves - not quite as cozily decorated, but still pleasantly festive in a more minimalist kind of way. There were other presents for each other still waiting, too; Thor had bought Loki a necklace set with an emerald, with their initials carved in tiny letters on the reverse, small enough nobody else could see without actively looking for it up close.  
Loki had made Thor a small, hand-bound book of lino-cut prints and hand-written notes that verged on being poetry, metaphors and symbolism that wouldn't make much sense to anyone apart from them. That was okay, though - that was exactly what they wanted it to be.

They cuddled up in front of the TV, Thor half-watching Loki play their new game while he read, some days. Others, they ventured out the house for a few hours to enjoy how quiet things were. On one walk, they ventured holding each other's hands in the semi-public of the forest, for a little bit. At least, until the frost made Loki's fingers nip, and they had to stuff their hand back in their pocket to try regain feeling.

And New Year's Eve arrived, and they didn't have plans.  
They planned to not have plans. If they went out, they'd spend too much money, they would be miserable in the crowds, and they wouldn't be able to kiss each other at midnight. Unforgivable, frankly.  
What they did have was a selection of drinks and snacks, a pile of blankets, and a selection of good movies to watch through the day, until midnight approached - then, they planned to watch as the fireworks went off.

The movies played, but they barely watched them, too busy curled up around each other, sapping each other's body heat, kissing, touching - so much more interested in each other than in the screen.

At around 10pm, Thor asked, "So, do you do New Year's resolutions?"

"Mm. Not usually. I used to say I'd spend the next year getting healthy, and never doing it. Put me off."

Thor smiled, and tucked some loose hair behind Loki's ear. "Well, you managed it last year without even making a resolution, both brain-wise and gym-wise. Maybe it's time to try again."

Loki nodded, then realised they'd forgotten something.  
"I never did tell you what our parents got me for Christmas, did I?"

"You got a few books, right? And some chocolates?"

"Yeah. Two of those books were prospectuses. For college, or uni."

"Wait." Thor cocked his head, trying to process that through the gentle haze of wine. "Are they gonna pay for your studies? I thought you still had funding?"

"I do. They're offering to pay for living expenses. I guess, with the intention of giving me the freedom to move out of here as well, if that's what I wanted. Don't worry, I don't want to do that part," they clarified as concern fell on Thor's face. "I think I do want to do the studying part, though. They're offering to pay for like, materials, books, and fuel to get there, y'know?"

Thor nodded, slowly smiling. "I could see this being really good for you, if you're ready for it. Do you know what you're interested in?"

"That's the hard part. I like a lot of things, but... yeah. I'm this far in life and still don't know what I want to do for a living that won't, y'know, make me want to scream."

"Well. You're already good at art - if you wanted to keep doing that, you could definitely go far."

"Considering it. Also thinking, maybe, since I can do art already, I might want to learn how to code and shit properly, instead of just knowing what my jobs needed me to know. I could freelance a lot of stuff. I could even do creative stuff with it. Like, games, or site design. And I could stay at home for a lot of it. I think maybe half the stress of my other jobs was the leaving the house part."

"I think you'd be amazing at that. I think you'd be amazing at whatever you choose to do," he beamed, and lifted Loki's hand to kiss their knuckles one by one.

They laughed, and scritched Thor's beard.  
"Will you say that even if I decide to go for, like, make-up artistry and have to practise on you all the time?"

"Yes. Absolutely. I know you'd make me beautiful."

"Hm. Difficult for me to really improve on this face, frankly," Loki deadpanned, holding Thor by the chin to assess him. "I'm sure I'd get marked down for using such a pretty canvas. It's basically cheating, isn't it?"

Thor laughed, and wriggled free so he could lean in and kiss Loki, with their teeth clacking against each other a little, combination of alcohol making them clumsy and smiles being too wide.

They kissed, and they held each other, and they half watched TV, and they listened to the bells chime, to the fireworks going off, and they kissed again at midnight.

And Loki resolved, silently to themself, to do everything in their power to make sure they were able to do this again next year. They resolved to not fuck this one up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's read so far. I plan on adding a final 'chapter' of bonus content at some point (soon?); some art, and a sims build of Thor's house that I spent uhhh a lot of time on, but as far as writing goes, this is now officially finished!  
> I hope you can understand now why I delayed this last chapter. It made more sense to me to post it around the time of year it was set.  
> This fic meant a lot to me, and it's my first proper long fic that I've actually finished on my own. I'm proud of myself.


	5. Sims build

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the Sims build I made for Thor's house!  
> Notes:  
> -The Sims doesn't have everything I wanted for it, so I've just made do with what games and custom content I already had installed. Since this was made after I wrote the first 3 chapters, that means there's some things that don't totally line up with what I wrote.  
> -Which also means; don't worry too much about this being here. If you've already read it and pictured something different, keep that picture in your head, because house layout isn't that important really. But if you like being able to visualise spaces characters are in, and this helps you construct that visual, absolutely use it.

Exterior:  


Floorplans:  
Ground floor:  


Second floor:  


Living room:  


Kitchen:  
  


Dining room:  


Waiting room:  
  


Talking office/Therapy room (woefully missing abstract nude art):  
  


Working office (feat. phrenology bust because Thor finds it amusing):  
  
  


-

Loki's room:  
  
  
  
  
(I couldn't figure out if I wanted them to have a trans, genderqueer, or nonbinary flag. I settled on genderqueer literally because it has green in it.)

Main bathroom:  
  


Thor's room and en suite:  
  
  
  


The 'Man Cave':  
  
  


\--

Two nice hallway shots that also serve as a **SPOILER WARNING** break in case you're reading this linked from chapter 1: the images following the hallway may or may not be spoilery for some minor details in the story. Stop scrolling if you don't want to see any approximate moments or character outfits.  
  


\--

Like for real, it's mostly just them hanging out around the house and wearing different clothes, but if that would bother you, this is your warning.

\--

Thor reading/writing in the 'man cave':  
  


Loki talking shit online:  


Loki bein cute:  


Loki in a fancy outfit:  


Loki and Thor pre-date:  


Loki making some effort to look after themself (progress!):  


What everyone who makes their OTP in the sims does:  
  


Also I... have WW installed and tried to do the obvious for this but... it kept glitching and having them refuse each other's offers despite both of them having moodlets wanting to do that. So, no Sims porn, which I feel is my own fault for writing Thor making them wait for several chapters lmao.

Anyway! Thanks again guys <3


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